Playwright | Joshua James

In honor of the holidays I’m going to post my play The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup scene by scene, a couple new scenes every day right up until Christmas for your reading pleasure. Hope you dig it. For information and character breakdown on the play, go here.

ps, this is a long scene, it continues after the jump.

Scene 2

(A young girl about nine years old is preparing to go to bed in her room. Her name is WENDI and she is wearing her pajamas.

Dancing to the Christmas music that is playing on her radio, she says goodnight to all her stuffed animals, giving them big kisses as she does so.)

WENDI: Good night Mister Huggle-Wumps! Goodnight Mrs. Hippotomuss and Mrs. Wigglesworth! And Stuffy and Wuffy and Wooley the Bear! Good Night Bardacar and Rashome’, good night Humphrey-Dumpfrey and Solome’, sweet dreams Mrs. McGilakitty and Sassy-Sasafras! Sleep tight Roger the Dodger, and especially you, little Stevie Byrnsie, don’t let the bedbugs bite!

(After bidding good night to all her stuffed friends, she turns off the lights and the music on the radio. With great satisfaction she tucks herself into her bed.)

WENDI: Remember everyone, be as good when you dream as you are when awake, because it’s only three whole days till Christmas! Christmas Christmas Christmas! Christmas yay!

(With that, WENDI fluffs her pillow and settles in to sleep. It is dark and quiet, with only the sound of her breathing.
Suddenly, ominous music begins to play. WENDI sits up suddenly, looking around.)

WENDI : Who is playing that ominous music?

(WENDI gets out of bed and goes to the radio. She hits the off button again and the music stops. She shrugs and returns back to her bed once more.

Before she can settle in, however, the ominous music begins yet again. WENDI stops and goes back to her radio.)

WENDI: What is the deal with this ominous music?

(WENDI hits the off button yet again and the music stops. She turns around and when she does the music is heard yet again.

She turns toward the radio and the music goes off. Turns away and it starts, turn to it and it stops.

WENDI flip-flops back and forth again and again, making it go off and on and off and on and then suddenly the music changes, growing in volume and ominousness.

Thunder crashes, lightning flashes.

WENDI hits the off button on the radio but it doesn’t work, the music and the thunder grow and grow.)

WENDI : What is happening, why is there ominous music and noises coming to my bedroom! What should I do what should I do what should I do?

(WENDI grabs her stuffed animals, runs to her bed and hides under the sheets.)

WENDI: I smell something, I smell an ominous smell as well! Oh no!

(The music and thunder build to a crescendo. All of a sudden, from out of a small chest at the foot of her bed, a very large BUNNY bursts out and stumbles about the room.)

BUNNY: AAAAAHHHHH! Ooh, ah, I hate that, I hate that when that happens, I just hate it. Oh, ah, what happened, where I am, what was I drinking and what was I thinking, oh my, I think I’m getting dizzy, I think I am dizzy and everything everything everything is spinning spinning spinning. Oh my, fall down go boom.

(The BUNNY falls to the floor with a large thud. He lies there motionless.
WENDI peeks out at him from behind her sheets.)

BUNNY: Ow. Ow. Ow, that hurt, ow, I hate it when it hurts, I hate it. Ow.

WENDI: Are you all right?

BUNNY: No, I am not all right I am hurt, that’s why I’m saying OW, everyone says ow when they are hurt and right now I’m saying OW. Ow.

WENDI: Oh. I’m sorry, I’m sorry you’re hurt and saying ow. I’m sorry.

BUNNY: Thank you. I appreciate your sympathy. It means a lot to me. Now then. Where am I?

WENDI: You’re in my room.

(The BUNNY sits up.)

BUNNY: And who are you?

WENDI: My name is Wendi. Wendi spelled with an ‘”I” and you wanna know why? ‘Cause ‘I’ am special, that’s why. I’m in the third grade, this is my bedroom, these are my friends and my name is Wendi with an ‘”I”.

BUNNY: Thank you Wendi with an ‘”I” you’re very informative. Ow, my head, ow, I don’t remember anything, anything at all. Who am I? What am I doing here?

WENDI: I don’t know who you are but I think I know what you are.

BUNNY: Really? And what is that?

WENDI: You’re a rabbit!

BUNNY: No Way!

WENDI: Really! A big rabbit with big ears!

BUNNY: Get out of town!

WENDI: A big rabbit with big feet and a big fluffy tail!

BUNNY: I’m not buying any of this!

WENDI: It’s true, it’s true, here, take a look.

(WENDI picks up a small hand mirror and shows the BUNNY his reflection.
The BUNNY jumps back in shock.)

BUNNY: Oh my gosh-oh-golly, it is true, I am a rabbit!

WENDI: You are a rabbit!

BUNNY: Wait a minute wait a minute! It’s all coming back to me now, I’m starting to remember. WENDI with an ‘”I”, I am not a rabbit.

WENDI: Are too!

BUNNY: Are not! I am a bunny. It just now came to me, I suddenly realized it about myself. I am not a rabbit, I am a bunny.

WENDI: Not a rabbit but a bunny.

BUNNY: Yes, there is a difference. And I’m not just ANY BUNNY, I am THE bunny.

WENDI: THE bunny?

BUNNY: As in Easter. Easter Bunny.

WENDI: The Easter Bunny?

BUNNY: Actually, my first name is Eldon. Eldon Easter Bunny, but you can call me Bunny.

WENDI: But Mr. Easter Bunny, what are you doing here? It’s December twenty-second, you are much too early for Easter.

BUNNY: Oh my gosh-oh-golly! Now I remember, I remember what’s going on! I came here for you, I need your help!

WENDI: Help with what?

BUNNY: With Christmas. (BUNNY jumps around in obvious pain). Oh no, OW, OW OW OW OW OW!

WENDI: What’s wrong? What’s wrong, what’s wrong?

BUNNY: Ow, you have to help me, I gotta cramp, help me, I gotta cramp in my haunch, in my haunch there’s a cramp! Ow ow ow!

WENDI: What can I do?

BUNNY: Rub it or something, anything, in my haunch, a cramp, ow ow OW! (WENDI runs to the BUNNY and starts to rub his lower back.) That’s not my haunch, don’t you know what a haunch is? OW!

WENDI: I’m sorry I don’t know what a haunch is, I’m a vegetarian, I am so sorry. Here?

(She rubs his leg.)

BUNNY: OW! That’s it, that’s it, that’s my haunch, ahh, that’s much better. Ah. Much better. Please excuse me, the thought of … Christmas … sometimes gives me cramps if I’m not properly prepared for it. We holidays are very competitive with each other. Ahh, that’s much better. You’re good with animals. Wendi with a ‘”I”, you are special, and that’s why I’ve been sent here to get you.

WENDI: What for?

BUNNY: To help me save Christmas!

WENDI: Save Christmas?

BUNNY: Ow! Ow ow ow ow! (She rubs his leg more and he relaxes.) Thank you, oh, that hurt. I’ve got to get used to this. See, I’m not usually around during … Christmas … whew, I’m strictly an Easter type bunny, but this is a real emergency, and great big huge hopping emergency, and I need your help to save Christmas from being destroyed forever!

WENDI: Christmas destroyed? But that’s awful, that’s terrible oh my goodness that’s the most horrible thing I’ve ever heard! But how can Christmas be destroyed forever?

(BUNNY jumps up on the bed.)

BUNNY: Sit right here and I’ll tell you the magic story of how it happened. See, once upon a time …

WENDI: Once upon a time?

BUNNY: All the best magical stories start out like that. All it takes is once upon a time and some Magic Bunny Pellets.

WENDI: Magic Bunny Pellets?

BUNNY: Ever hear of Magic Fairy Dust?

WENDI: Sure, like from Tinkerbell.

BUNNY: Magic Bunny Pellets work the same way, only for bunnies. All you do is wish-wish-wish as hard as you can and then toss the Magic Bunny Pellets.

(BUNNY throws the pellets. WENDI’s room begins to change and soft music plays.)

WENDI: Peeyeww, I smell something ominous and stinky.

BUNNY: That’s the Magic Bunny Pellets.

WENDI: Why do they stink so?

BUNNY: Well I’ll give ya a hint, Wendi with an “I”, Magic Fairy Dust doesn’t come from Tinkerbell’s mouth.

WENDI: Oh.

BUNNY: Back to the story. Once upon a time there was an elf, a Christmas elf.

(A light comes up on CHARLIE, a Christmas Elf.)

BUNNY: Wait a minute Wait a minute, I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m not to the elf yet. Thank you …

(The spotlight on CHARLIE goes back out, putting him back into darkness.)

CHARLIE: Hey! Hey, what the?!

BUNNY: Thank you, THANK YOU. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. Now then. Once upon a time, up at the North Pole where it’s always cold and cheerful, where the snow is always white and the canes always candy, where it’s always almost Christmas every day of the year. It’s December, and everyone is getting prepared for the big day of Christmas!

WENDI: Christmas at the North Pole, how wonderful!

(The song, We Wish you a Merry Christmas plays at high volume. WENDI’s room (except for the bed) is magically transformed into the North Pole. BUNNY dances about with great glee.)

BUNNY: Now once upon a time at the North Pole there lived a certain Christmas Elf.

(A spotlight opens up once more upon CHARLIE, a Christmas Elf with a look of sheer disgust upon his face.)

CHARLIE: Oh, so NOW you want me out here under the light, now you want to hear what I gotta say so you can make fun of me, is that it? Hey guys, let’s trot out the elf, get a few laughs at his expense, have ourselves a jolly old time, ho-ho-ho and all that rot. Well, if that’s what you think is gonna happen, you can just kiss my little Elvin ass! And turn that music off!

(The Christmas song abruptly stops.)

CHARLIE: I hate that fricking song.

BUNNY: Once upon a time there was a certain Christmas Elf named Charlie.

CHARLIE: And who … in their right mind … sticks a poor helpless Christmas elf with a name like Charlie? Charlie’s something you call your beer buddy, your plumber or mailman. You can have an Uncle Charlie, a nephew Charlie, a Grandpa Charlie, you call your dog Charlie, the tuna you eat out of a can is called Charlie but you do not, under any circumstances, name a frigging Christmas elf frigging CHARLIE!

BUNNY: Now, poor Charlie the Christmas elf was unhappy. Charlie was disgruntled. Charlie was perturbed, Charlie was mired in a deep dark funk. (BUNNY stops when CHARLIE looks at him.) In short, Charlie had a problem.

CHARLIE: I hate Christmas. Christmas sucks. Christmas sucks huge dripping donkey dongers. Of all the holidays that are holidays, Christmas is by far the worst of the lot, celebrating greed, waste and advertising. It’s the one time of the year where people are SUPPOSED to be nice to each other, the ONE time of the year to celebrate fellowship and love and what do they do? Pull hair, knock out teeth and draw the blood of their fellow citizens, all just to get at the very LAST useless Pokemon doll that’s on the shelf that they can give to their squalling snot-nose selfish and useless excuse for children that they squirted out indiscriminately and irresponsibly.

BUNNY: Hey Wendi, Hey Wendi, Hey Wendi, did you know what Pokemon means in Japanese? It means POCKET MONSTER! They invented a toy and called it Pocket Monster! Isn’t that something? Pocket Monster, Hee-hee!
(BUNNY stops giggling when Wendi and CHARLIE look at him.)
I’m sorry, I’m digressing. I apologize. Please continue.

CHARLIE: Christmas. Christmas isn’t about LOVE anymore, it isn’t about GIVING, it’s all about who’s got what and how much, merchandising tie-ins and HAPPY-MEALS, I swear if I hear another brat screaming for a cheap toy and a Happy Meal I’m gonna kill myself, I swear it. Who in their right mind would buy a toy at a frigging fast food half-assed hamburger chain anyway? Wake up dipsticks! Would you shop for food at a hardware store? I DON’T THINK SO!

BUNNY: You see, Wendi with an “I”, this was one angry elf.

CHARLIE: Christmas. Christmas really chaps my ass.

(Cool pimp music from the 70’s plays. A light appears on HANK, a very smooth and super cool flying reindeer, complete with horns. HANK slides into the scene with much grace and style as befitting of anyone that can fly.)

HANK: You ever think you might be in the wrong business then, Charlie?

BUNNY: Now Charlie’s very best friend was Hank, a substitute flying reindeer.

HANK: I prefer the term … understudy flying reindeer. Hank, the Understudy Flying Reindeer.

BUNNY: I’m sorry, of course, how careless of me.

HANK: Sometimes we’re referred to as flying fill-ins, but that’s not very nice either.

BUNNY: Of course, of course.

HANK: Then there’s my favorite. Flying reindeer SWING. I like that one.

BUNNY: Ooo, that does have a ring!

(HANK and BUNNY do some pimp strutting.)

CHARLIE: Would you two stuff a sock in it? I got a problem here!

BUNNY: Sorry Charlie.

HANK: Sorry Charlie. Where were we?

CHARLIE: I don’t know, I’ve lost my place now.

BUNNY: Let’s see, Charlie said Christmas really chaps his ass, you asked him if maybe he was in the wrong business then …

HANK: Oh yeah, right. So Charlie, you ever think . . .

CHARLIE: Of course I’ve thought about it! But what else am I gonna do? I’m an ELF for Chrissakes, there aren’t a lot of options!

HANK: At least you HAVE options, you only got two choices as a reindeer, you either learn to fly or end up as a belt or leather trench-coat.

CHARLIE: I’m stuck. I’m stuck with Christmas. You know, Christmas used to be fun, Christmas used to be festive, Christmas used to be …

HANK: Christmas was cool.

CHARLIE: Yeah, Christmas was cool.

HANK: Not so much anymore.

CHARLIE: Not at ALL anymore. Now Christmas is one big festering pain in the balls.

BUNNY: Come on now, it’s not that bad.

(CHARLIE points a finger at BUNNY.)

CHARLIE: Shut up fuzzy-nuts, I ain’t even talking to you!

HANK: Well, while Christmas ain’t as cool as it once was, it’s still kinda cool.

CHARLIE: Kinda cool my hairy ass! You haven’t even been out on a run since the eighties. Don’t you remember? Staff party the night before. Blitzen got blitzed, puked everywhere. Hurled all over the sleigh, the presents, he yarked on everything.

HANK: Oh yeah, what a night. The eighties, what a blast.

CHARLIE: You don’t know how Christmas has changed, you have no idea how despicable it’s all become.

HANK: Look, ever since Santa LLC went public and merged with Disney and Time Warner, we expected things to get a little more cutthroat, but what’d you expect the Big Guy to do? Hanukkah was coming up in popularity, he had to do something. Who knew that someday it would be cool to be a Jew?

(Short pause as everyone stares at HANK.)

HANK: What?

CHARLIE: Listen to me prong-head, and listen close. I’m a elf, a frickin’ Christmas elf, all I’ve ever been is a Christmas elf. I’m in the union, I’ve paid my dues. I’ve worked under deadlines, in sub-zero temperatures, fought off polar bears and a pair over-zealous seal hunters with a serious case of mistaken identity. I always got the job done. On time and on the mark. Always. But these days elves don’t have a place in Christmas any more, we don’t even make the toys anymore, they farm that work out to eleven year old kids in Thailand, pay them twenty-five cents per twelve hour day to churn out toys non-stop and our frigging union bent over like a cheap two dollar whore for the Big Guy and let him screw us right up the Hershey highway! I’m a frigging Christmas elf and I don’t even get to wrap the gifts much less make them anymore. All I do is answer the phone, get the coffee and put paper in the fax machine, so don’t expect me to be a happy about what Christmas has come to!

WENDI: Oh my, that is so sad!

HANK: I’ve never thought about it like that before, but it’s true. Since the regulars got rehabbed there’s no place for me here either, all I do is the laundry once in awhile, clean the stables and maybe polish a harness or two. We have no place. We are the lost boys, you and I. It isn’t really Christmas for us. We’re left out of it. It is so terrible. It is so awful. It makes me so sad. It makes me want to cry.

(HANK starts to cry, just a tiny bit.)

BUNNY: Understudy Reindeer are known to be very sensitive.

HANK: We are.

(WENDI hands HANK a hankie. CHARLIE stamps his foot.)

CHARLIE: Snap out of it, ham-hocks. We’re not just gonna lie here and take it, we’re gonna do something about it! We’re gonna get RADICAL!

HANK: So what are you gonna do, man?

CHARLIE: Do what any self-respecting disgruntled employee does. Blow it all up.

WENDI: What?

HANK: What?!

BUNNY: What what what?! Who? Where? Why! Why ask why, drink Bud Dry! Don’t be shy, take a Mulligan and improve your lie! What WHAT What the fu …
(BUNNY realizes everyone is looking at him and stops carrying on so.) I’m sorry, I’ve digressed again.

CHARLIE: Stop interrupting the exposition, fuzz-butt!

BUNNY: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please continue.

HANK: Uh, Charlie, you said something about blowing?

CHARLIE: I said, this is what we do. Blow it all up. It’s the only alternative! Blow everything to smithereens! Listen, I got the whole North Pole wired with explosives. Elves are real good at working with their hands. Come Christmas Eve, when everyone is out running around, I’ll let it rip and BOOM!

WENDI: Oh my goodness, that is so terrible, so terrible!

CHARLIE: Hey. It’s a cold hard world, baby.

HANK: You think that’ll work, you think that will really stop the Big Guy?

CHARLIE: Nah, that’ll only do it part way. We gotta make FOR SURE he don’t start up the silliness again, and the only way to do that is to blow the South Pole as well, otherwise fat boy will set up shop down there and we’ll be stuck in the same place. And that’s why I need you. To take me there.

HANK: The South Pole?

CHARLIE: Think about it, man, we blow the North and South Pole, we take care of winter! With no more winter, no more snow, there’s no more Christmas! It will be summer all year round. It will be like the Fourth of July every day of the year!

HANK: Cool! I love the Fourth! The parades, the fireworks …

CHARLIE: The barbecues, the booze, the string bikinis, the whole works! Are you with me?

HANK: Count me in! Let’s go!

(CHARLIE hops up upon HANK’s back.)

CHARLIE: You HAVE been to the South Pole before, right?

HANK: Oh sure, couple times, no problem. Trust me.

CHARLIE: You better be right. You don’t want to get stranded on a snowy mountain with me and nothing to eat, ‘cause you know what’ll happen then, right? Reindeer stew, baby.

HANK: Eat me, Charlie. That’s all I gotta say, eat me.

(CHARLIE and HANK disappear off into the night.)

BUNNY: And OFF they flew. And I if I hadn’t been out drinking with the Tooth Fairy, who always knows everything, I would have never found out the whole evil plan!

WENDI: Oh my goodness oh my gracious, this is all so terrible and horrible, oh my!

BUNNY: It is, it is! We have to find them! We have to stop them!

WENDI: How can we do that?

BUNNY: Same way I got here. Magic Bunny Pellets … Just hop aboard, little girl, and we’re on our way! Wendi with an ‘”I”, are you ready?

(WENDI hops on BUNNY’s back.)

WENDI: I’m ready Mr. Easter Bunny!

BUNNY: Traveling music please? (Traveling music plays.) Magic Bunny Pellets …

(BUNNY tossed the pellets around, sprinkling them everywhere.)

WENDI: Peeeeyeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!

BUNNY: And AAAAAWAYYYYYYY . . . WE GO!

(BUNNY and WENDI fly off into the night.)

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 15th, 2009 at 2:42 pm and is filed under Written Works by JJ. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.