The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Scene 6
In honor of the holidays I’m going to post my play The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup scene by scene, a couple new scenes every day right up until Christmas for your reading pleasure. Hope you dig it. For information and character breakdown on the play, go here.
Scene 6
(WENDI and BUNNY appear at the mall. Once again, generic department store music plays.)
BUNNY: Oh my, oh dear, I hate it when that happens, what happened, ow, my head!
(BUNNY stumbles about in a daze.)
WENDI: Are you all right?
BUNNY: Who are you? Wait a minute, who am I? What am I doing here?
WENDI
Don’t you remember?
BUNNY: Ow, not so loud, I’ve got a splitting headache. I think I need some … (A shameless product placement) Advil AD.
WENDI: Bunny …
BUNNY: I must have really tied one on last night. Ow, oh my. Who am I? Who are you?
WENDI: You’re the Easter Bunny and I am Wendi with an ‘I’.
BUNNY: Ahh, I see. And did we … did you and I …?
(BUNNY makes the international finger motions, which indicates a successful one night stand.)
WENDI: We’re chasing a Christmas Elf and an Understudy reindeer in order to stop them from blowing up Christmas! We’re following them with Magic Bunny Pellets.
BUNNY: Bunny Pellets? Well then, that explains everything.
WENDI: How come you don’t remember anything?
BUNNY: Well, it’s been proposed, NOT PROVEN, but proposed that prolonged use of Magic Bunny Pellets can possibly kill brain cells.
WENDI: Oh dear!
BUNNY: Relax, you’re young yet, you have plenty to spare. So where are we?
WENDI: We’re at the mall.
BUNNY: So this is what a mall looks like.
WENDI: I thought we were going to the South Pole.
BUNNY: They must have just been here. That’s how the Magic Bunny Pellets work. You ask them for something, they give it to you. It’s how I found you.
WENDI: Really? But why me?
BUNNY: I don’t know. I said ‘Show me how to stop that angry elf from destroying Christmas’ and boom, there I was, in your room.
WENDI: But I don’t know how to stop them.
BUNNY: You’ll think of something. The Magic Bunny Pellets never lie.
WENDI: But Mr. Easter Bunny …
BUNNY: Please, call me Bunny.
WENDI: But Bunny, I thought you said that you holidays were very competitive with each other. Why do you want to stop them from destroying Christmas?
BUNNY: Look, here’s the deal, Wendi with an ‘I’, I am by no means a large fan of Christmas or Santa Claus, he gets all the publicity, all the TV specials and Nike endorsements, gets the cover of People magazine, gets the Barbara Walters interview and Leno and the whole deal and he’s a jerk about it too. But the thing is, I need Christmas, I need the winter. With no winter there is no spring, and with no spring, no Easter. All of a sudden I’m out of a job, standing in the unemployment line and I don’t like that.
WENDI: So you need Christmas, even though you don’t always like it.
BUNNY: Right-a-Rooney! This place is a mess, are malls always this messy?
WENDI: No they’re not, malls are almost always clean and family friendly. I wonder what could have happened?
(BUNNY notices the Store OWNER, who has a black eye and his arm in a sling.)
BUNNY: Excuse me sir, but you didn’t by any chance notice a little guy in a green hat with a large chip on his shoulder? He would be traveling with a tall sensitive brown deer.
OWNER: Livestock! Oh my God, not more livestock, no more livestock! Livestock, livestock livestock! Save me, somebody save me, police, swat teams, army navy air force marines anyone! Help! Help!!!!!!!!!!
(The Store OWNER runs away, blowing his whistle.)
BUNNY: What’s the matter, you’ve never seen a big bunny before! You Bunny Bigot! Bunnies have rights too!
WENDI: What do you suppose happened to him?
BUNNY: Must of have a bad bunny experience at some point in his life. Uh-oh, here come the fuzz, hop aboard WENDI with an ‘I’, Magic Bunny Pellets, take us away!
(BUNNY spreads the Bunny pellets about in a grand circle. WENDI jumps up on Bunny’s back and holds her nose.)
WENDI: Oh my goodness, it smells so awful!
BUNNY: Breath it in, breath it in, it’s good for you and it’s organic, too. Picture in your mind the next destination let the good times roll. And now, ladies and germs, it’s time to do what those of us in the Easter business call, make like an egg and Beat It.
(Mall Security Guards enter with clubs and chase BUNNY and WENDI away. Michael Jackson’s song Beat It plays as they run off.)