The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Scene 7
In honor of the holidays I’m going to post my play The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup scene by scene, a couple new scenes every day right up until Christmas for your reading pleasure. Hope you dig it. For information and character breakdown on the play, go here.
Scene 7
(CHARLIE and HANK are riding in a truck with HARLAN, a truck driver. HARLAN is singing.)
HARLAN: On the road agin! I just can’t wait to get on the road agin! I find love is makin’ music wit’ my friends, an’ I can’t wait to get on the road agin!
(CHARLIE and HANK look at each other.)
HARLAN: Hot damn, that Willie Nelson, he’s a musical genius. Who-iee. Could listen to him every day and twice on Sunday, yes-sirree Bobby! So! How are you all doin’?
CHARLIE: Fine.
HANK: Fine.
HARLAN: Where you all from, anyways?
CHARLIE: The North Pole.
HARLAN: Whoops, guess I better hold off on all my Polish jokes, then don’t I? Hee-hee, that’s all right, we’ll find other things to talk about. So. Where ya’ headed?
CHARLIE: The South Pole.
HARLAN: Really? Well, ain’t that a Hootenanny! Well, best I kin do fer ya is take ya’ll as far as Austin. That work out fer ya?
CHARLIE: Sure.
HARLAN: Beef Jerky?
(HARLAN offers them a stick of jerky. CHARLIE takes one.)
CHARLIE: Thanks.
HANK: I’ll pass, I happen to be an herbivore.
HARLAN: Herb-a-what?
HANK: Herbivore.
HARLAN: I thought you said your name wuz Hank? Now you’re sayin’ it’s Herb? Which is it, Herb or Hank?
HANK: Uh …
HARLAN: Herb’s a good name, gotta brother-in-law named Herb, got his own dry-wallin’ business. Calls it Herb’s Dry-Walling Business. He did my pantry. Does all right for himself.
HANK: (after a moment) Oh. Okay. Call me Hank, then.
CHARLIE: This jerky is pretty tasty.
HARLAN: I makes it myself, got a smokehouse out back, every spring me and the missus buy ourselves a steer, slaughter the dumb critter and smoke enough meat to last us all winter. You ain’t really et meat unless you’ve killed it, bled it, sliced it up and smoked it all by your lonesome. Kill it and eat it. It’s the only way to live.
HANK: Ugh. I think I’m going to get sick.
CHARLIE: Sounds great, maybe I’ll try it myself sometime.
HARLAN: (to CHARLIE) Listen, I hope ya don’t mind me askin’, but is that dog of your’n housebroken? I loves dogs, mind you, grew up with ‘em, man’s best friend and all that, so I don’t mean to be impolite, but the wife made these seat-covers and if he was to, you know, let ‘er rip in here and stain the seat-covers, the wife’d raise holy hell with me.
HANK: Dog? Who’s a dog? What is it with you people, what is it with this dog, cow, livestock discrimination, what kind of system is this that we LIVE in that ALLOWS for this kind of BLINDNESS and HATE and ANGER against the furbearing people of the world! And just what the hell do you think you’re doing talking about me with each other as if I’m not here, like I’m invisible LIKE I DON’T EXIST OR HAVE EQUAL RIGHTS! Listen up you backward ass country fuck and you too, my little angry Elvin buddy, I want you to know something! I AM SOMEBODY! I have a mind, a body and a soul that belongs to me and no one else, I have rights and emotions and needs just the same you and you better watch out, because someday all the livestock in the world is gonna band together, all the dogs and cats and cows and pigs and reindeer will get together and RISE UP and DEMAND our freedom and EQUAL CONSIDERATION by any means NECCESARY!
(Short pause.)
CHARLIE: (to HARLAN) He’ll be fine, he never craps in the house.
HARLAN: Hot Damn, that’s some good news. Let’s have ourselves a sing-along, whatta say? You wanna sing some fine country music?
HANK: I am definitely getting sick.
(HARLAN turns up the radio and starts to sing the theme song from RAWHIDE.)