The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Scene 9
In honor of the holidays I’m going to post my play The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup scene by scene, a couple new scenes every day right up until Christmas for your reading pleasure. Hope you dig it and keep in mind, it’s NSFW probably. For information and character breakdown on the play, go here.
Scene 9
(WENDI and BUNNY shake their heads groggily and wake up.)
WENDI: My head hurts.
BUNNY: Just your head?
WENDI: Yes, just my head, it hurts.
BUNNY: As long as it’s your head and not your other end that hurts, then it was a successful night out. There are two distinct types of hangovers, and one is much more welcome than the other. There’s nothing worse then tying one on in Rome or Shanghai or Cleveland, partying hard, passing out and waking up bleeding from both your ears and your ass, that’s the worst hangover ever!
WENDI: Oh. Oh my. I don’t really know what you mean. Were they just here?
BUNNY: Was who just here?
WENDI: The elf and the understudy reindeer.
BUNNY: What elf and understudy reindeer?
WENDI: Bunny! The elf and understudy reindeer that are trying to blow up Christmas!
BUNNY: Right! Right, right you are. Yes. That elf and understudy reindeer. Umm. Hmm.
WENDI: That’s it, no more Bunny Pellets.
BUNNY: No! Don’t say that, how else will we catch … who was it, again?
WENDI: A Christmas elf and an understudy reindeer! Snap out of it. Where are we?
BUNNY: Looks like a desert. And a highway. Pretty deserted highway. A scary dark deserted highway a normal person would avoid while sober. So if we can’t avoid the highway, maybe we should avoid the sober.
(WENDI stands and walks resolutely down the road.)
WENDI: We’ll walk until someone gives us a ride.
BUNNY: Walk, like, with our own feet?
WENDI: Yes, Bunny, let’s go. Wait, what’s that smell? I told you, no more Bunny Pellets!
BUNNY: It wasn’t me, I swear!
ANTOINE: I’m afraid I’ll have to take the responsibility for that, my complete apologies to you both.
(WENDI and BUNNY suddenly stop when they come upon a decrepit MAN in the tattered clothes of a hobo, sitting to one side eating a can of beans. His name is ANTOINE.)
WENDI: Oh my, I didn’t see you in the dark. I’m sorry.
ANTOINE: Nothing to be sorry about, my lovely, the pleasure is most definitely all mine. Would you care for some pork and beans? There’s still some left at the bottom.
WENDI: No thank you.
ANTOINE: It’s still good, expiration date expired only last year. I also got some bread, cut most of the green mold off it. The green mold is actually not bad for you, either, it’s where penicillin comes from, comes in handy if you cut yourself on the can of beans. Forgive me for not introducing myself, my name is Antoine.
WENDI: My name is Wendi, Wendi with an “I”.
ANTOINE: Wendi with an “I”, what a divine name that is.
BUNNY: Hey. Wait a minute, I know you. Antoine? Antoine Arbor?
ANTOINE: Yes, I am he, who are you?
BUNNY: Antoine, it’s me, Elden the Easter Bunny!
ANTOINE: Elden? Oh my gracious, Elden Easter Bunny! It’s been years and years, how are you?
(ANTOINE rushes to BUNNY and they embrace. BUNNY can barely stand the smell of ANTOINE and escapes as soon as possible.)
BUNNY: I’m okay, I’m doing fine, pretty good. Yep. Whew. (BUNNY coughs) How are you?
ANTOINE: Well, to be brutally honest, I’ve had better days.
BUNNY: Wendi, do you know who this is? This is Antoine Arbor, the patron saint of Arbor Day.
WENDI: Arbor Day?
BUNNY: Yes, Arbor day, he was the hottest young independent holiday in the business at one point.
WENDI: Arbor Day? I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of Arbor Day. When is it?
ANTOINE: I’m not surprised you haven’t heard of me. Arbor Day used to be the last Friday of April, but now it varies from state to state, if indeed they even observe it at all. You wouldn’t by any chance have a spare piece of chewing gum, or an extra bar of soap, would you?
WENDI: I’m sorry, I don’t.
BUNNY: Antoine, what happened to you, you used to be the hottest thing around, you were like Danny Terrio, you’d come into the clubs and everybody wanted to be like you.
ANTOINE: Yes I know, I’ve fallen from a great height. I got greedy and flew too high, trusted the wrong sort and that’s how I ended up here. It happened when we went public with our IPO, we were vulnerable to hostile takeover. Someone bought fifty-one percent of the shares and the next thing you know, I’ve been ousted and my holiday out-sourced and sold to a fast food franchise.
WENDI: Fast food franchise? Which one?
ANTOINE: My name is Antoine but my close friends used to call me Arby.
WENDI: Arby’s? I’ve been there in the drive-thru!
ANTOINE: Yes, Arby’s of the roast beef and curly fries. That could have been me, but instead I got righteous and now I don’t see a penny of the Arby money. If only I hadn’t trusted that fat schemer, given him the inside scoop on our IPO, I’d still be touring to the applause of school children everywhere!
BUNNY: Fat schemer? You don’t mean …
ANTOINE: Yes Elden, it was that bastard Claus that did this to me. He took control of my board and shoved me aside, acted like he was my friend until he got what he wanted and then he had security escort me out of my own building. Oh the pain, the humiliation!
(ANTOINE passes gas.)
ANTOINE: My apologies, it’s the beans, you see.
BUNNY: Antoine, what are you doing out here in the desert where there is no soap and water? Why aren’t you starting a new holiday, working your way back to the top, you don’t have to go out like this?
ANTOINE: I like the desert. It’s quiet and there are no trees, it’s hard for me to be around a tree after what happened. Plus there are the wolves. Late at night, wolves come out to sing to the moon and when they do, they inspire me, they speak to me and in that dialogue between the moon, the wolves and myself I get the seeds of inspiration for my revenge. I have a plan. I have devious, diabolical plan the wolves and the moon shared with me. I will avenge the misfortune Claus caused me. I’m close to formulating a plan. I will have my revenge! I WILL GET YOU CLAUS, I WILL GET YOU! AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(ANTOINE stands and howls at the moon, like a wolf.)
BUNNY: Okay, well, we’d like to stay and chat some more, Antoine, but we’re due back on planet earth.
ANTOINE: Wait, you don’t have to leave so soon, we can have a barbecue, I found the carcass of a dead badger, it wasn’t too decayed, only a few maggots here and there. Let’s party and talk about the old days.
BUNNY: I’d really like to but I really have to be somewhere other than here.
WENDI: It was very nice to meet you, but we should be going.
(BUNNY and WENDI start to walk away very quickly.)
BUNNY: Don’t look back, keep walking, keep walking.
ANTOINE: Elden, if you see that chicken-fucker Claus, you tell him I’m coming and I’m putting a boot to his fat ass! You tell him Antoine Arbor may be down but he’s a long way from out! You tell him that from me! AWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEE!
BUNNY: Sure thing, will do! Great seeing ya!