The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Scene 11
In honor of the holidays I’m going to post my play The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup scene by scene, a couple new scenes every day right up until Christmas for your reading pleasure. Hope you dig it and keep in mind, it’s NSFW probably. For information and character breakdown on the play, go here.
Scene 11
(Lights up at an airport in Austin, Texas. HANK and CHARLIE have been watching MRS. CLAUS’s commercial on one of the TV’s.)
CHARLIE: She is such a tease.
HANK: She’s got the goods, though, you gotta admit it.
CHARLIE: Yeah yeah, plastic surgery is a wonderful thing, blah, blah, blah.
(The airport REP comes out to her airline counter, looking smart in her uniform. She always has a smile on her face.)
REP: Now checking in, Delta flight six-nine-nine nonstop from Austin, Texas to the South Pole, now checking in.
CHARLIE: That’s us.
HANK: You know, I’m really looking forward to this.
CHARLIE: To what?
HANK: Flying.
CHARLIE: Whatta talking about, you goof, you fly all the time.
HANK: Yeah, but usually I have to do all the work. This is the first time I get to kick back, relax and enjoy the ride while someone else drives.
CHARLIE: You’re just lucky I had my Visa card on me. (CHARLIE very reluctantly does a product plug to the audience.) Visa. It’s everywhere you want to be.
(They approach the REP at her counter who flashes a brilliant smile in their direction.)
REP: Name and reservation please?
CHARLIE: Reservation for two, economy class, name Charles B. Elf and Hank F. Reindeer.
REP: Um, sir, the airline has STRICT policies regarding the transportation of PETS …
HANK: Okay, HERE WE GO AGAIN …
CHARLIE: Hold on, lady, he’s not a pet, he’s not livestock, he’s just a person that likes to wear funny hats.
(Brief pause.)
REP: All-righty then, just one moment please.
HANK: Pets. That really frosts me.
CHARLIE: Calm down, keep our objective in mind. Pretend you’re undercover.
HANK: Hey. I like that. Hank, the Undercover Reindeer. Ba-dah, bud-dah, da-do-dah!
(HANK does the James Bond music and struts. He stops when CHARLIE stares at him.)
CHARLIE: Can you for once, in your life, try and be cool?
HANK: Okay, okay. Hey, I gotta question. What’s the ‘B’ in Charles B. Elf stand for?
CHARLIE: Bronson.
HANK: Charles Bronson Elf?
CHARLIE: It used to be Beauregard but I changed it.
REP: Oh dear. We seem to have a problem.
CHARLIE: What’s wrong?
REP: It appears that this flight is over-booked. We can’t get you on.
HANK: Over-booked?
CHARLIE: Can’t get us on? But I made a reservation.
REP: I know that you did sir, but it appears that this flight is full.
CHARLIE: How can it be FULL if I have a reservation and yet I’m not ON the plane?
REP: The flight has been overbooked.
CHARLIE: So whose fault is that? Is it MY fault you sell tickets for four hundred SEATS when in ACTUALITY you only HAVE three hundred seats AVAILIBLE? That’s not my fault, I can handle simple arithmetic UNLIKE MOST AIRLINES!
REP: We have a flight that leaves tomorrow morning that we can get you on.
CHARLIE: If I had WANTED to take the friggin’ flight that leaves TOMORROW MORNING, I would have made a FRIGGING RESERVATION FOR THAT ONE! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS? GET ME A MANAGER, I WANT TO SEE A MANAGER RIGHT FRIGGIN’ NOW!
REP: (after a moment) All-righty then.
(She disappears to the back. CHARLIE switches back to calm without any effort.)
HANK
Damn, is it always like this?
CHARLIE
It is when you fly economy.
HANK
And I thought livestock had it bad.
CHARLIE
There’s not much difference between livestock and flying economy. Relax, I’ve done this before, just follow my lead.
(The Airport MANAGER enters along with the Airline REP.)
MANAGER: Now then, what seems to be the difficulty here?
CHARLIE: The difficulty is that I MADE a reservation and PAID for it and now I CAN’T HAVE IT!
MANAGER: Well now, we seem to have a slight problem, it appears that this flight has been over-booked.
CHARLIE: What’s this WE SHIT? THAT’S YOUR PROBLEM, NOT MINE! I paid for a product and I want what I paid for. It’s not my fault you people can’t frickin’ ADD!
MANAGER: We have a flight that leaves …
CHARLIE: DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS? DO YOU?
HANK: Yeah, do you know who his father is, do you?
MANAGER: Umm …
CHARLIE: MY FATHER IS GERALDO RIVERA! DO YOU KNOW WHO GERALDO RIVERA IS?
HANK: GERALDO RIVERA, YEAH!
MANAGER: I do know who Geraldo Rivera is, yes.
CHARLIE: Now then, I have a VERY IMPORTANT Save the Whales Greenpeace convention to attend at the South Pole, and if I’m not there, the whales are GONE, man, gone!
HANK: Say GOOD-BYE TO THE WHALES!
CHARLIE: And after the whales go then the dolphins and then the seals and it’ll be ANARCHY, MAN, ANARCHY! Now, my old man and I don’t always see eye to eye, that is a fact, he’s a capitalist pig that only cares about money and Nielson ratings and I happen to be a pot-smoking-hippie-tree-hugger, but one thing I DO know is that he would just LOVE to have a story run on 20/20 on exactly HOW the airlines BUTT-FUCK working-class folks whenever and wherever they can! Now, how do you like them apples, you smiling corporate ass-lick?
(Short pause.)
MANAGER: (still smiling) Give us just one moment, we’ll see what we can do for you.
(HANK and CHARLIE step back while the MANAGER and the REP confer.)
CHARLIE: (to HANK) We’re in, trust me.
MANAGER: (pointing to the computer) Okay, here’s what we’ll do, just bump someone else instead. Pick a name.
REP: (peering at her screen) Leiberman, Howard?
MANAGER: Can’t, Jewish, our CEO is a Jew, try someone else.
REP: Wallace, Rasheed?
MANAGER: Have you gone mad, the NAACP will burn us at the stake. Look for either a Chinese or Native American, it’s still socially acceptable to discriminate against either of those cultures. Please God let there be a Wong or a Running Bear on this flight.
REP: Got one. Chinese.
MANAGER: Make sure they’re Chinese and not Japanese, Sony owns significant stock in our company.
HANK: Damn man. Is it always like this?
CHARLIE: Of course, airlines are corporate, just like Christmas.
REP: Chou, Yullee, family of four. Definitely Chinese.
MANAGER: Okay. Dump the chinks and load the hippie tree-huggers.
(The MANAGER exits.)
REP: We’re ready for you now, sir, we can just squeeze you on.
CHARLIE: Great.
HANK: And don’t let it happen again.
REP: Any luggage to declare or is it strictly carry-on?
CHARLIE: Carry on.
REP: Now then, has anyone you know or don’t know asked to carry something on the flight for them?
HANK: What was that, I didn’t catch that?
REP: Has anyone you know or don’t know asked you to carry any item or items on flight?
HANK: What kind of stuff, what kind of items?
REP: Anything really, illegal chemicals, cocaine, heroin, opium, child brides from Thailand, bag or bags that happen to be ticking, that sort of thing.
CHARLIE: You mean has anyone asked us to carry ignition wire, nitro-glycerin caps, battery operated triggers, and pounds and pounds of C-4 plastique explosive?
REP: Yes! That sort of thing.
CHARLIE: (beat) No, no one ASKED us to carry anything like that on the flight.
REP: Well that’s just swell! Here’s your boarding passes, have a pleasant flight and thank you for flying Delta!