The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Scene 16
In honor of the holidays I’m going to post my play The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup scene by scene, a couple new scenes every day right up until Christmas for your reading pleasure. Hope you dig it and keep in mind, it’s NSFW probably. For information and character breakdown on the play, go here.
Posting the final scene of the play tomorrow, tune in and Merry Christmas, everyone!
Scene 16
(WENDI and BUNNY approach the South Pole. They turn and wave offstage. Show tunes are heard playing in the distance.)
WENDI: Thanks for the ride!
BUNNY: Where are we? Who are you? Who … am … I?
WENDI: (shaking him) Snap out of it, you’re the Easter Bunny and we’re at the South Pole and we’re trying to save Christmas!
BUNNY: Okay, all right, I’m with it, I’m back in the game. Let’s go!
(BUNNY bounces about wildly.)
WENDI: Bunny, I think it’s time to cut back on the Bunny Pellets.
BUNNY: I can handle it I can handle it! Okay, here we go, here we are! We’re here!
WENDI: So now what do we do?
BUNNY: Well, first we gotta get past the South Pole Troll.
WENDI: There’s a South Pole Troll?
BUNNY: Sure, there’s a South Pole Troll and a North Pole Troll. The North Pole Troll is actually a pretty fun guy, especially once you get a couple of drinks into him. But the South Pole Troll, she’s takes this Troll business pretty seriously. She’ll feed you to her killer attack penguins if she can.
WENDI: Oh my.
BUNNY: But not to worry. She’s got a program she follows. It’s no sweat, trust me. I come by here every year, it’s a great place to vacation.
(Suddenly the South Pole TROLL comes roaring out horribly. WENDI jumps.)
TROLL: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
WENDI: Oh my goodness, oh my gracious!
BUNNY: Hey Suzy, how’s it goin’?
TROLL: Eldon! You’re early this year.
BUNNY: I know, I know, just a quick trip, you know. But it’s good seeing you.
TROLL: You too, you too. So, what can I do for you?
BUNNY: Well, you know. We want to see the South Pole.
TROLL: You know the rules.
BUNNY: We do, we do.
TROLL: Back to business then, I got some VERY special questions for you this year.
BUNNY: I’m sure you do. Fire away, baby.
TROLL: Okay, hold on, gimme a sec, gotta get back into it. AAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!! THREE QUESTIONS! THESE QUESTIONS THREE YOU MUST ANSWER, OTHERWISE MERCY YOU WILL NOT GET FROM ME! AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
WENDI: Oh dear, it’s just so frightening!
BUNNY: Don’t worry Wendi with an “I”, I do this every year, I’m shooting one hundred percent, I got this. Let me have it, Suzie baby! Bring it on!
(The TROLL takes out her iphone.)
TROLL: Okay. Here’s the first question. Name the capital city of … Guam!
BUNNY: Guam? Did you say Guam?
TROLL: I said Guam! AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!
BUNNY: Where did you get Guam? All these years and NOW you hit me with Guam!
TROLL: Answer the question or answer to the killer-attack penguins!
BUNNY: What do I know about Guam!
WENDI: Wait! I think I know this, I saw it on the Discovery channel.
BUNNY: Somebody actually watches that channel?
WENDI: The capital of Guam is Agana!
TROLL: That’s correct. You got that one.
BUNNY: Good for the Discovery Channel!
TROLL: Okay, second question … name the state song of Guam!
BUNNY: Again with the Guam?
WENDI: The state song is … Stand Ye Guamanians.
TROLL: Okay. You got that one as well. Not TOO bad. But the LAST question is a DOOZY. You will never answer it and then I will feed you to my killer-attack penguins! AARRGHH! Okay, here it is. Last Question. Name the state flower … of Guam.
BUNNY: What is it with you and Guam?
WENDI: Oh no, oh my, I’m not sure about this one. Umm. The state flower of Guam is a beugan … began … buaegan …
TROLL: Five seconds.
WENDI: Beuganvillea!
TROLL: I need a judge’s ruling on that one.
(TROLL looks to the penguins, all of whom shake their heads.)
TROLL: The Judges say CLOSE but NO cigar! Get them penguins, get them terribly and horribly! AAAARRRGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
(The penguins begin to surround WENDI and BUNNY, cheeping as menacingly as only penguins can do. WENDI and BUNNY hold each other.)
BUNNY: All these years of asking me what my favorite color was and how old I was, NOW the she hits me with the Guam questions!
WENDI: I’m so sorry, Bunny, I thought I knew the answer.
BUNNY: I’m sorry, Wendi, I’m so sorry for getting you into this, for bringing you down here, but most of all, I’m sorry for pretending I had a cramp in my haunch just to get you to rub it. I’m a horrible, deceitful bunny, oh no. Oh! Here come the penguins! We’re gonna die! What are we gonna do, what are we gonna do?
WENDI: Wait a minute. I know what we can do! Give me some Magic Bunny Pellets.
BUNNY: I don’t have much left!
WENDI: Explain that to the penguins!
BUNNY: (gives them to her) Oh, all right. Whatever it is, you better hurry, they’re almost on us! There’s nothing worse than penguins!
WENDI: Listen up everyone!
(WENDI throws the bunny pellets. The penguins all stop.)
WENDI: It’s time to MAMBO!
(WENDI snaps her fingers and MAMBO music begins to play. It’s the Rosemary Clooney version. WENDI dances and sings a Mambo song and against their will, the penguins join in. The penguins dance behind her.)
TROLL: Wait a minute, what are you doing? You can’t mambo with penguins, they can’t handle it, they don’t know when to stop! That’s cruel and unusual punishment. Oh the inhumanity of it all! Oh no. Oh no! My feet are moving to the music! Somebody help me please!!!!!!!!!!!
(WENDI and BUNNY form a mambo line and the penguins follow, with the TROLL bringing up the rear. It turns into a grand dance number before they all mambo off.)