The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Story Thus Far & The Grand Finale!
Thanks for hanging in there on this scene by scene post of my Xmas play … I hope to share the story of how it came to be as a play, perhaps sometime next week, it’s a pretty cool tale, lemme tell ya. Anyway, here’s the scenes in the right order, and after that the grand finale … remember, it’s NSFW and also … MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!
Heh-heh.
The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Scene 1
The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Scene 2
The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Scene 3
The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Scene 4
The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Scene 5
The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Scene 6
The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Scene 7
The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Scene 8
The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Scene 9
The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Scene 10
The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Scene 11
The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Scene 12
The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Scene 13
The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Scene 14
The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Scene 15
The Elf, The Bunny & The Big Xmas Blowup - Scene 16
Scene 17
(CHARLIE and HANK walk over, rolling wire and carrying mechanical gizmos. CHARLIE has the detonation radio, which is in the shape of a Santa face.)
CHARLIE: Did you hear something?
HANK: Sounded like Mambo Music. But that can’t be.
CHARLIE: Why not?
HANK: Because penguins can’t handle the Mambo. That’s why they never do it down here. Are we done yet?
CHARLIE: It’s all set. All I gotta do is push this button, Boom goes the North pole, Bam goes the South Pole, good-bye winter, hello summer. Are you ready to rock and roll?
HANK: I’m ready!
(BUNNY and WENDI suddenly appear, BUNNY lurching about wildly.)
WENDI: Stop right there!
BUNNY: Mr. Chairman, this administration will not stand for this charade!
HANK: Uh-oh. I shoulda known that Mambo music was coming from someone.
BUNNY: All right just what’s going on, who are you people and what have you done with the President! Look, he’s got normal, biological functions just like the rest of us …
WENDI: Bunny, snap out of it!
CHARLIE: He’s whacked out of his skull as usual, damned rabbit.
BUNNY: Hey. I’m a bunny. A bunny not a rabbit, there’s a difference. It’s okay Wendi, I’m back now, it was a great trip but I’m back.
HANK: You on the Magic Bunny Pellets again?
BUNNY: Of course, it’s great stuff.
HANK: Where do you get yours, anyway?
BUNNY: It’s delivered, of course. I got a great connection.
HANK: Can you hook me up?
BUNNY: No problem, I got this beeper number …
CHARLIE: Would you two stop it! I’ve got some exploding to do here!
BUNNY: We came to stop you!
CHARLIE: You’re too late Bunny! Your Magic Bunny Pellets and Mambo Music can’t help you now. I got the whole Pole wired and ready to blow. Get ready to say good-bye to Christmas baby!
WENDI: Wait! Wait wait wait! Don’t blow up Christmas, please don’t!
CHARLIE: Okay. Who’s the skirt in pajamas?
WENDI: My name is Wendi, Wendi spelled with an ‘I’ because ‘I’ am very special. Why do you want to blow up Christmas so much?
CHARLIE: Haven’t you been paying attention to the story? Christmas isn’t Christmas anymore! I don’t have a job and neither does Hank so we we’re gonna blow it all up! Blow it up good!
HANK: He’s right, I’m with him, so you and your bunny just turn around and hop the other way, ’cause we ain’t stopping. We’re doing this for us and the children of Thailand and all the livestock in the world.
CHARLIE: We’re pissed off and we got explosives! We’re blowin’ this sucker!
WENDI: Well. I understand you’ve had a hard time. I know about hard times too. Like when my mommy went to the hospital and didn’t come back, and when my daddy had to go on the unemployment because his boss was mean to him and we had to live on bologna and tomato soup every day.
(Lights dim and melodramatic music begins to play.)
WENDI: I know sometimes it’s hard, and Santa isn’t always what he’s supposed to be, like teachers and doctors and daddy’s bosses. But you shouldn’t blame Christmas for it. You shouldn’t blame Christmas for something Santa or the union or the corporations did to you. Christmas doesn’t belong to the big-money advertisers, Christmas doesn’t belong to the unions or corporations. It doesn’t belong to Mommies and Daddies. Christmas doesn’t even belong to Santa. It belongs to all the little boys and girls in the world that need to have magic in their lives, need it to keep believing that things won’t be horrible forever, that things can always get better. That’s who Christmas really belongs to. Do what you want to Santa and whoever, but don’t take Christmas away from the little boys and girls of the world. Please. Let us have our Christmas Magic. Please.
CHARLIE and HANK look at each other. HANK’s lip is out trembling and he has tears in his eyes.
HANK: Oh my GOD! Behawwwwww!
CHARLIE: Stop it ya big lug. You’re too sensitive.
HANK: (blowing his nose) No, Charlie, she’s right, I’m telling you.
CHARLIE: Not me, I’m tough! I am a rock! I am steel!
WENDI: Charlie, please?
CHARLIE: (looking away) Don’t look at me with those puppy eyes, I can’t take the puppy-eyes, I can’t I can’t!
HANK: (crying) Christmas belongs to everybody! AAAAwWWWWW!
(CHARLIE starts to tear up as well. WENDI reaches over and gently takes the detonator away from CHARLIE.)
CHARLIE: I am such a sucker for sob-stories. What are we gonna do now?
(SANTA suddenly appears, complete with menacing music.)
SANTA: All right, just what the hell do you think you are doing!
HANK: Holy shit, it’s Santa!
CHARLIE: Goddamn, it’s Claus!
BUNNY: Watch yer head, it’s big Red!
WENDI: It’s Santa Claus, Santa Claus, I can’t believe it’s Santa Claus!
SANTA: Little Girl, do everyone a favor and keep that little mouth of yours shut. Otherwise, the only thing you’ll find in your stocking come Christmas morning will be a big fat turd. Now then, do you know how much trouble the two of you have caused me? And by the way, who in the hell gave the South Pole Troll an iphone and told her about wikipedia? I almost didn’t make it past her! The reindeer are still trying to get by her.
HANK: Santa …
SANTA: Shaddup! When I want any shit outa you I’ll squeeze your head. Now then, it’s December 23rd, and do you know what I’m USUALLY doing on December 23rd?
CHARLIE: Santa …
SANTA: Shaddup! USUALLY on December 23rd I’m in Amsterdam, getting drunk, having a massage and a hand-job before the big night. Now am I doing that now? NO I AM NOT! I’m chasing down a couple of boobs I shoulda fired YEARS AGO!
BUNNY: Santa, I just want to say, in their defense …
SANTA: Rabbit, what the hell are you doing here anyway, you crackhead junkie, you’re lucky you’re not a muff, that’s all I got to say to you. (turns to Charlie) As for you, you little tree-stump, if it weren’t for the union oh mama, what fun I woulda had with you. You think I didn’t notice you flirting with my wife, you little scamp? Too bad those seal-hunters weren’t any faster, and you thought it was all a mistake, them trying to spear you, didn’t you? Well it won’t be next time, I’ve got Time Warner and Disney behind me this year, I can hire hundreds of seal hunters and you won’t stand a chance. (turns to Hank) And as for you, you walking venison steak you, I keep you on and don’t eat you and this is how you repay me? I’ve got pair of boots that need to be resoled and they got your name written right on it. Boys, you don’t piss on Santa like this and get away with it, that’s for damn sure. I got shareholders to answer to and alimony to five ex-wives to pay and I don’t have time for shit like this. Now, hand it over. Give me the bomb!
(CHARLIE and HANK and BUNNY hang their heads. WENDI hides the detonator behind her back. HANK reluctantly holds out the explosives. SANTA grabs it away from him.)
SANTA: Think you can wire the North Pole and I won’t KNOW about it? If I had more time, I’d take care of you right now. But I have a four-alarm hangover and a timetable to keep, but rest assured once Christmas is over I’m a coming for you two. That’ll give you something to think about. Just you wait! And you rabbit, you stay out of my Christmas business, take your little chippie and stay with Easter where you belong!
(SANTA spits on the ground and stomps off. CHARLIE and HANK sit down with their heads in their hands.)
BUNNY: Well. That was pleasant.
WENDI: He wasn’t a very nice man.
BUNNY: He doesn’t have to be, he’s a national institution.
CHARLIE: I KNEW he was behind those seal-hunters, I knew it!
HANK: We are so dead, and he’s gonna kill us slow too. We are so dead.
CHARLIE: We are dead and buried.
WENDI: There must be something we can do, maybe I can hide you from him. Hide you and after awhile he’ll forget.
CHARLIE: No use, Wendi with an ‘I’, if it was the FBI or the CIA or the Mafia or even the Catholic Church we might have a chance of escaping. But he’s got corporate America behind him, there is no chance, we are dead ducks.
BUNNY: Well, if you’re gonna go, you might as well go happy. Have some Bunny Pellets.
(Harnesses jingling and the crack of a whip is heard in the distance.)
HANK: There he goes. Along with the rest of our life. Charlie, it was fun while it lasted. Charlie, I … I …
(CHARLIE and HANK hug.)
CHARLIE: Me too, big guy, me too. At least we went down swinging.
WENDI: You know, Santa may have corporate America behind him, but he did forget one thing.
HANK: What’s that?
(WENDI slowly brings the detonator around from behind her back, where nobody noticed it.)
BUNNY: Oh my Gosh-oh-Golly.
(They all look at the detonator, then up at the sky where SANTA is flying his sleigh.)
WENDI: Did you know why my name is Wendi with an ‘I’?
CHARLIE: Why is that?
WENDI: ‘Cause I am … special.
(WENDI presses the detonator down and the whole sky explodes in beautiful colors. Everyone sits back to enjoy the show.)
HANK: Fireworks!
CHARLIE: Just like the Fourth of July!
BUNNY: All I need is a beer and a Hunny-bunny and I’m all set!
WENDI: Merry Christmas, everyone!
ALL: Merry Christmas Wendi!
(WENDI snaps her fingers and music begins to play. The penguins, the TROLL and everyone joins in the Mambo.)
Lights fade
The End