Daily Dojo

New Years Resolutions I Have No Intention Of Keeping 2007

In keeping with my 2006 Resolutions which I, uh, actually couldn’t keep, it’s now a new year and let’s try again!

Here are my 2007 New Year’s Resolutions I Have No Intention Of Keeping -

I resolve -

To stop with the home karoake. I mean, let’s face it, I’m getting a bit too old to be cranking up Def Leppard’s “Photograph”, grabbing a wooden spoon, putting my left arm inside my T-shirt and rocking out with the best Rick Allen impersonation anyone ever saw . . . It’s fun but the eighties are over. And it’s kinda hard on my couch, which serves as my pretend-drum set. Sigh. No one does one-armed drummers like me, no one.

I resolve -

Not to fall to the floor in a fake epileptic fit every time someone solemnly invokes the words “war on terror” and “Iraq” in a sentence retrospectively.

I resolve -

Not to google the words “Lindsey Lohan’s nipples.” No more, I say. But to everyone else googling those words, welcome to MY blog.

I resolve -

To put away my Chris Matthews voodoo doll. The pins go in deep and still aren’t doing much good. I don’t think he’s human.

I resolve -

Not to get wasted on schnaps and Molson by myself on a Thursday Night while watching Youngblood and pretending I’m the one beating the shit out of Rob Lowe. I’m Swayze. Beating Lowe with a hockey stick. It’s beautiful just to think about, ain’t it? Thank God there’s a sport for middle-sized white boys

I resolve -

Not to address to my Xbox as though it were a person with feelings, moods and petty discriminations. I won’t, I tell you, I won’t. He IS in high spirits today, however.

I resolve -

Not to scream in pain every time any news journalist discusses, in depth and at length, all the possible candidates for a Presidential election TWO YEARS AWAY while ignoring lies and corruption happening in American government here and now, fucking today.

Oh and by the way, news people? Britney, K-fed, Paris, Tomkat? That shit AIN’T NEWS. If you stop reporting it, no one will notice.

War-profiteering, political corruption, lying about WMD’s, rigging the elections in Ohio and Florida, that’s NEWS. Even when you don’t report it, people notice.
That’s the difference. Get it?

I resolve -

To stop touching myself inappropriately during THE VIEW. There’s just something about an angry lesbian pimp-slapping an ignorant blonde ditz that always gets me going . . .

I resolve -

To stop cursing out UFC President Dana White while watching The Ultimate Fighter Reality Show. He’s really hard on the fighters, but it’s for their own good. He’s gotta make them hard and make them strong. Because that’s what it takes to be an Ultimate Fighter, damn it.

I resolve -

Not to get drunk on tequila on a Friday night and watch Point Break by myself, pretending I’m Johnny Utah. I am an F! B! I! Agent!

I resolve -

Not to throw lunchmeat at the television every time Isiah Thomas mentions how much progress the Knicks have really made this season.

I resolve -

To change the channel immediately when I see VH1 is doing an I Love The Eighties marathon. Otherwise, that’s ten hours gone in a flash.

I resolve -

To let all those people who voted Republican in 2004 and are now complaining about Bush off the hook because, hey, how could they have known Bush was such a fucking liar? I mean, really. It wasn’t like anyone was really trying hard to tell them that.

Well, I guess I was. And Keith Olbermann. And Jon Stewart. And Russ Feingold. And a half a million people protesting the war in New York alone. A lot of people tried to tell the Bushies.

But really, we should give those red-state voters a Mulligan on this one. Right? I mean, as they keep saying, who knew Bush was that incompetent and corrupt and downright dishonest? Besides me, I mean. And the millions of other folks with a high IQ and any sense of ethics. Yes, that’s right, brains and ethics. Yeah, I said it. Basically, everyone with brains knew Bush was a lying butt-munch and tried like hell to tell you but you didn’t listen to because that Rush has such a nice voice.

I get it, you didn’t listen to us because you’re scared and it’s easier to trust someone who talks lies about being tough than it is to do the tough-but-right thing and impeach a dishonest President for breaking the fourth amendment of our constitution. But it’s okay, don’t worry about the fact that thousands of our soldiers died, and continue to die, in a war the President officially declared over in 2003.

Hey, I’ll let you off the hook for that, really.

Remember what Bush said, there are no failures, only successes that haven’t happened yet.

I resolve -

To stop rapping LL Cool J’s “Mama Said Knock You Out” while urinating.

I resolve -

Not to get buzzed on Budwieser and watch Road House on a Saturday night, alone in my underwear, doing Tai Chi moves and pretending I’m Dalton. No one ever wins a fight. I’ve lost too many hours to Dalton. Kicking ass and tagging Kelly Lynch. I’m done with that, I’m telling you. Swayze, you’re out of my life! I’m leaving you on the beach just like Keanu did in Point Break.

I resolve -

Not to spend hours on YouTube gawking at NBA fights. Really. But before the New Year OFFICIALLY begins, watch Shaq vs. Bynum because it’s so much damn fun. Shoot, just watch the whole history of NBA greatest fights and yes, that is Vince Carter, with hair, and yes he does take out a referee. Who doesn’t wanna do that once in awhile?

I resolve -

Not to shriek in agony whenever anyone says “but now they have a democracy in Iraq” or “the world is a better place without Saddam” despite the fact that the US has now killed as many Iraqi citizens as Saddam did.

I resolve -

To watch American Idol at least once before I die. I tried it once in 2005, I watched like ten minutes of it before I had to turn away. I threw up a little bit in the back of throat before I did. It’s the harshest porn out there. On Ultimate Fighter, you know who won because it’s whomever is left standing in the cage. On American Idol, no one wins, least of all the audience. Nobody is left standing.

I resolve -

Never to go HERE under any circumstances whatsoever.

I resolve -

To stop fantasizing that Keith Olbermann is my dad, Jon Stewart is my older brother Wally and all my friends call me Beaver. Oh, and Angelina Jolie is my mother, June Cleaver. I have fond memories of being breast-fed. We live in a nice house with a white picket fence and everyone in our town is happy and has universal health care. Occasionally Matt Damon makes a guest appearance as Eddie Haskel, but he’s always getting me in trouble.

I resolve -

To stop making resolutions I have no intention of keeping.

6 Responses to “ New Years Resolutions I Have No Intention Of Keeping 2007”

  1. Stacy Says:

    Awesome post….one small correction though…..Rick Allen is Def Leppard’s drummer, Savage is the bass player.
    Always remember….no one commands more useless information than me.

  2. Joshua James Says:

    Good catch, I will change it now!

  3. Mike Mariano Says:

    For further pedantry, Rick Allen had both his arms during the recording of Photograph. I may or may not have been dancing around the house, watching a Def Leppard DVD last night.

    Passion killer, you’re too much.

    And Craig’s List Casual Encounters? I call it playwriting research!

  4. Joshua James Says:

    Oh, I know he had them when Pyromania was recorded and during that first tour - but when they play now, he has one . . . and he can still friggin’ play, which I call awesome!

  5. Warren Says:

    Angelina Jolie as your mom? That is so wrong. Still, wanted to swing by and wish you a HAPPY NEW YEAR! Keep at it!

  6. Sal Says:

    Fine set of resolutions - but I bet you don’t keep the “not to drink x on a Friday night and pretend
    to be y” one - that’s impossible!

    Hope all your dreams for 2007 come true too

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