Daily Dojo

Ron Howard & The Big Red Pitch

INT. RECEPTION AREA OF BIG RED PRODUCTIONS - DAY

RON HOWARD waits with script in hand.

BRIAN GRAZER, sits next to him.

Brian looks at his watch.

Loud screaming comes from behind an office door.

Ron and Brian look toward the office.

They look at the RECEPTIONIST at her desk outside the office.

The Receptionist, who has NATURAL RED HAIR, smiles.

Loud profanity thunders behind the office door, capped off by a loud scream.

Ron and Brian look at each other again.

The Receptionist’s phone buzzes.

She picks it up, listens and hangs up.

RECEPTIONIST
Mister Bellware will see you now.

The office door opens.

ANDREW BELLWARE, 28, steps out, huge smile on his face.

BELLWARE
Ron Howard! Welcome to Big Red Productions, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you, I am like your hugest fan ever!

Bellware also has bright RED hair.

RON HOWARD
Hello, thanks for meeting with us. You know Brian, my partner?

Ron and Brian stand and shake hands with Bellware.

BELLWARE
Don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure, Andrew Bellware, President of Big Red Productions.

BRIAN GRAZER
We’ve met before.

BELLWARE
Brian … ?

BRIAN GRAZER
Grazer. We met the SAG awards. Last month.

BELLWARE
We did?

BRIAN GRAZER
You told me you were dying to work with Ron Howard, no matter the cost.

BELLWARE
Which is more true than you could ever know, Ron.

BRIAN GRAZER
We also spoke at the Lakers game last week, you were at the bar with Bill Walton …

BELLWARE
Big Bill! What a guy …

BRIAN GRAZER
And you didn’t quite believe me when I said I actually knew Ron …

BELLWARE
And yet here you are with the man himself! Come on in! Cindy, send in the rest of the crew along with coffee and crullers. Come in!

INT. BELLWARE’S OFFICE - DAY

Ron and Brian sit on the couch.

BELLWARE
I apologize for the late start to our meeting, it seems that there’s a crisis on the set of our latest, Alicia Witt and Seth Green are having a bit of a spat and I’ve had to mediate. But everything’s fine now, everything’s fine.

Bellware sits on a chair opposite them.

RON HOWARD
Which picture is this?

BELLWARE
It’s our remake sequel to Paint Your Wagon. Right now we’re calling it “Repaint Your Wagon”, we’re quite excited about it.

BRIAN GRAZER
“Remake sequel”?

BELLWARE
Yes, it’s the newest thing, remake sequel. Not quite a remake, not quite a sequel, it’s a remake sequel. We take the original idea and change it completely without losing the core marketing hook that the original had. In this case, instead of a traditional musical comedy western set in the eighteen hundreds, we have a rap music drama about aspiring white rappers facing racial discrimination in Chicago in the nineteen thirties. Remake sequel. It’s not even shot yet and already it’s tracking extremely well. Hey, here’s the rest of the crew.

DONOVAN, JUSTIN and DAKOTA enter the office and shake hands with Ron, gushing over him.

BELLWARE
Ron Howard and Brian, uh, Brian Glazer …

BRIAN GRAZER
Grazer.

BELLWARE
Right, Brian Glazer. This is Donovan Reed, Vice President of development, Domestic. Justin Miller, Vice President of development, Overseas, and last but not least, Dakota Fleming, Vice Princess of Development, International, Big Red Productions.

All three are VERY YOUNG, just over eighteen years old.

DONOVAN
Pleasure to meet you, Ron, major fan of your work.

JUSTIN
Big fan Ron, love everything you’ve done.

DAKOTA
I’m a huge fan, such a huge fan of your work, you have no idea. Your biggest fan ever.

All three have bright, NATURAL RED HAIR.

RON HOWARD
Thank you, nice to meet you all.

They shake hands politely with Brian.

BRIAN GRAZER
How do you do?

They all sit.

BELLWARE
So. Here we are. Finally. We here at Big Red Productions have been dying to meet you for quite some time, Ron, and I’m going to tell you the reason why. The reason why is because we want to be in business with Ron Howard.

The Receptionist brings in coffee and crullers.

DONOVAN
We do.

JUSTIN
We absolutely do.

DAKOTA
In a big way.

BELLWARE
Not only have your movies made billions around the world, not only have you won every award there possibly is, but you have even worked with Nicole Kidman.

DAKOTA
Oh my God, Far and Away is like, my favorite movie of yours, I even have it on DVD.

BELLWARE
In short, we want to make “Ron Howard” pictures and we’d like to do that with you.

DONOVAN
We do.

JUSTIN
We absolutely do.

DAKOTA
Oh God. You have no idea.

BELLWARE
We have quite a few projects in development that we think you would just do a bang up job of directing. We’re doing a “remake sequel” of The Hoosiers, starring either William H. Macy or Philip Seymour Hoffman, we haven’t decided which one yet.

DONOVAN
But in ours, instead of a basketball team, it’s a tennis team made up of young inner city kids.

JUSTIN
Like the Williams sisters, only younger.

DAKOTA
And in ours, the coach isn’t a rage-aholic, he’s codependent.

BELLWARE
It’s hot, it’s very hot. Also in the works, a remake, not a “remake sequel” but a “remake-remake”, of Speed.

DONOVAN
Starring Giovanni Ribisi, Alyson Hannigan and David Caruso as the bad guy, he’s going to be awesome.

JUSTIN
We’re even keeping the movie on the bus, that’s how strongly we feel about it.

DAKOTA
I think you would be so great on that one, Mr. Howard.

RON HOWARD
Well, uh …

BRIAN GRAZER
Ron’s been developing a project on his own, real cutting edge material and we haven’t even shopped it around to anyone yet.

BELLWARE
Spin it, we want to hear it.

DONOVAN
Let us have it.

JUSTIN
We’re all ears.

DAKOTA
I’m so excited, I’m going to hear a Ron Howard pitch. Oh God.

RON HOWARD
Okay, I don’t really do much pitching, but I’ve been working with this writer who’s very talented …

DONOVAN
Good screenwriters are so important.

JUSTIN
Most important part of the process, the script.

DAKOTA
Oh God, that is so true.

RON HOWARD
Uh, anyway, this writer recently showed me a script he wrote and it has to be the best screenplay I’ve ever read in my entire career. It’s really, really fantastic.

BELLWARE
Is there a part for Rupert Grint in the film?

RON HOWARD
Who?

DONOVAN
Rupert Grint, he’s an actor, he’s in the Harry Potter movies.

JUSTIN
He’s not Harry Potter, he’s the other one.

DAKOTA
He played Weasily, he’s so adorable.

BELLWARE
The reason I ask, we have a five picture production deal with Rupert Grint and if there was a role for him in your project, that would be just ducky.

BRIAN GRAZER
A five picture production deal?

BELLWARE
Oh yes, he’s really on his way.

BRIAN GRAZER
Isn’t he, like, thirteen years old?

DAKOTA
He’s fifteen!

BELLWARE
With quite the fan base, you should really see how he tracks.

RON HOWARD
I don’t know that there’s a role right for him in this project.

BELLWARE
At least not yet. But I’m sorry, please continue. What’s the pitch of the movie?

RON HOWARD
Well, I don’t really know how best to describe it, I’m really much better at making movies then I am at pitching them.

Everyone laughs politely.

BELLWARE
Of course you are. Just give it to me in a nutshell.

RON HOWARD
Okay. Here it goes. Lesbian Cannibal Porn Stars.

Silence as they ponder this.

BELLWARE
Lesbian Cannibal Porn Stars.

BRIAN GRAZER
Lesbian Cannibal Porn Stars.

BELLWARE
Okay.

RON HOWARD
I mean, it sounds sensationalist, but it is a very smart, funny, twisted, emotionally-involving story.

BELLWARE
Well, I don’t have a problem with sensationalist, not in the least, however …

RON HOWARD
I’m telling you, it’s the best screenplay I’ve ever read, and the concept I have for it-

BELLWARE
Is it a musical?

RON HOWARD
Uh, no, it’s not a musical.

BELLWARE
Could it be a musical, by any chance?

RON HOWARD
Uh, no, it wouldn’t work as a musical, I’m pretty sure.

DONOVAN
Will there be actual lesbian interaction?

RON HOWARD
Yes.

DAKOTA
Oh dear.

JUSTIN
Nudity, frontal nudity?

RON HOWARD
Well, yes, but-

DAKOTA
Oh my.

DONOVAN
The cannibalism will probably be fine for the ratings board, and even some nudity, tastefully done, but the lesbian stuff, I don’t know, Drew, they’re kind of tough on that.

BELLWARE
Yes. It’s sounding like we’re definitely leaving PG-13 arena.

RON HOWARD
Yes, it’s an “R” rated picture, but-

BELLWARE
I want to help you, I cannot tell you how much I want to be in business with “Ron Howard”, but we don’t do those kind of pictures.

BRIAN GRAZER
What kind of pictures?

BELLWARE
Blue pictures.

RON HOWARD
Blue pictures?

BRIAN GRAZER
What do you mean, a blue picture?

BELLWARE
Tell him, Donovan.

DONOVAN
Adult movies.

BELLWARE
We don’t do them.

BRIAN GRAZER
It’s not a dirty movie, we’re not talking a pornographic movie here, it’s a normal, rated “R” picture ABOUT pornography.

DONOVAN
Still a code “Blue” in terms of marketplace.

BELLWARE
No money in it. PG-13 is as far as we go.

JUSTIN
I don’t even know who does make “R” films anymore.

DAKOTA
Aren’t they mostly foreign films now?

BELLWARE
If it was just about cannibalism, that would work, but lesbians and porn stars?

DONOVAN
Definitely lose the red states.

JUSTIN
And that’s our core.

RON HOWARD
Listen, it’s a smart script-

BELLWARE
I mean, say we wanted to, “hypothetically”, make this picture. Who could we even get to do that kind of thing?

DONOVAN
Julianne Moore played a porn star once, she was pretty good.

JUSTIN
She wasn’t a lesbian porn star in that one, though, just a regular porn star.

DAKOTA
Philip was in that film too, at least that’s what I heard. My folks won’t let me see it.

BELLWARE
It didn’t make any money, either. So this is what we’d have to do, “IF” we did this, we’d have to get another writer, make some cuts and changes in the script until it gets down to PG-13 …

RON HOWARD
It doesn’t need rewrites, the script is perfect.

BELLWARE
Of course it is, all scripts are, and it would be even more perfect once it’s cut.

RON HOWARD
I’m sorry, but I have to shoot this film the way it’s written. It’s not a teen picture, it’s for mature audiences. That’s the deal.

BELLWARE
(after a moment)
Lesbian Cannibal Porn Stars, for mature audiences?

RON HOWARD
That’s it.

BRIAN GRAZER
Yes.

BELLWARE
Ron, I have the utmost respect for you, you won the Oscar, it was quite awhile ago but you indeed did win it …

RON HOWARD
That was in 2002!

BELLWARE
Like I said, it was awhile ago. Ron, I gotta tell you, it’s been by dream and passion to work with you, but I don’t think that Lesbian Cannibal Porn Stars is a “Ron Howard” movie.

BRIAN GRAZER
What are you talking about? If Ron makes a movie, then it becomes a Ron Howard movie.

BELLWARE
No disrespect intended, Ryan-

BRIAN GRAZER
Brian, my name is Brian-

BELLWARE
Brian, right, that’s what I said. Ron, you make feel-good movies. We make feel-good movies. We want to be in business of making feel-good movies with you.

RON HOWARD
This is a feel-good movie. It’s a feel-good movie about Lesbian Cannibal Porn Stars.

BELLWARE
But Ron, come on. Rated “R”? Porn stars? Frontal nudity? You don’t have frontal nudity.

RON HOWARD
I do too have frontal nudity!

BELLWARE
When have you had frontal nudity? Name one!

BRIAN GRAZER
He had frontal nudity in Splash.

DONOVAN
You did Splash?

RON HOWARD
Hell yes, I directed Splash.

JUSTIN
Splash?

BELLWARE
And there was frontal nudity in Splash?

RON HOWARD
Back and front. We even had nipple. We had nipple and we got a PG rating.

DONOVAN
You must mean PG-13.

BRIAN GRAZER
No, a PG.

BELLWARE
Nipple and a PG? That’s just amazing, I can’t believe this.

DAKOTA
Oh my gosh, I don’t know this movie, tell me about this movie.

RON HOWARD
You said you were a huge fan of mine and you haven’t seen Splash?

DAKOTA
When was it released?

BRIAN
Nineteen eighty-two.

DAKOTA
That’s why. I was born in nineteen ninety.

DONOVAN
That explains the rating, it was much easier to squeak a nipple by the board before Janet Jackson.

JUSTIN
Wait a minute. Holy crow! I know this movie, this movie is on our boards, we’re doing a remake sequel of that movie starring Topher Grace and Debra Messing.

BELLWARE
Hold the phone, I’m familiar with that project. But we’re not calling it Splash anymore, right?

JUSTIN
The working title is Bubbles.

RON HOWARD
Bubbles?

BELLWARE
You know, you might be a good directing candidate for Bubbles, let’s set up a meeting for later on in the week, I’d like to hear your spin on it.

RON HOWARD
Bubbles?

BELLWARE
I had no idea you were connected to the original version. And I had no idea that there was nipple shown. I’m definitely going to have to watch the original now.

DONOVAN
Me too.

JUSTIN
Me too.

DAKOTA
I’ll have to check with my parents, but I’m sure they’ll let me.

BELLWARE
Bubbles, A Ron Howard Film by Big Red Pictures. I can see it.

BRIAN GRAZER
I’m sorry. We are only interested in one project right now. Lesbian Cannibal Porn Stars.

RON HOWARD
Brian’s right. It’s Lesbian Cannibal Porn Stars or nothing.

BELLWARE
(after a moment)
Ron, I have to tell you. We want to work with you. It’s been a goal of mine since I founded Big Red Productions six months ago. We make “Ron Howard” movies and we want to make “Ron Howard” movies with the actual “Ron Howard” himself. But there’s one thing here at Big Red Pictures that we do not do.

RON HOWARD
What’s that?

BELLWARE
We don’t go blue.

DONOVAN
We don’t.

JUSTIN
We don’t.

DAKOTA
No blue.

BELLWARE
We’re a simple shade of red here.

FADE OUT.

6 Responses to “ Ron Howard & The Big Red Pitch”

  1. Evan Crook Says:

    Very cute, Josh. I can hear the face-paced dialogue. Reminds me of my days at Abrams… except we lacked any redheads!

  2. Don Nguyen Says:

    Nice work Josh! The dialogue is snappy, and each of the characters have some nice moments. Being that I’m a former Nebraskan, I appreciate the “Big Red” pitch.

  3. Leisah Swenson Says:

    Hey Joshua!

    Fantastic! Thanks for yet another laugh. I really enjoy your work.

    Be well,
    Leisah

  4. Joshua James Says:

    Thanks guy, I appreciate your stopping by!

  5. Andrew Bellware Says:

    You are a god.

  6. Catherin Madeja Says:

    Wow, this was great. Keep writing this kind of blogs, you will get a lot of people to this blog if you continue working on this.

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