Daily Dojo

New Year’s Resolutions I Have No Intention of Keeping - 2008

And . . . The Dojo is BACK!

Happy New Year, everyone!

In the tradition of years past -
New Years Resolution’s I Have No Intention Of Keeping - 2007
New Year’s Resolutions I Have No Intention Of Keeping - 2006

We have, surprisingly, yet another -

New Year’s Resolutions I Have No Intention of Keeping - 2008!

So listen, now that I’m a parent myself, I feel compelled to post a warning to family members who happen upon my blog for the baby pictures.

The warning is thus . . . I am an enthusiastic practitioner of free speech . . . in terms of words, this blog be rated “R” for language.

Yes, there are curse words in the Daily Dojo.

You can’t practice hard at the word craft without spilling blood from time to time, and so blood gets spilled here with “dirty” words. Some of the great writers throughout history did the same and I’m happy to follow in their footsteps.

So consider yourself warned, under 17 not admitted without a parent or guardian.

New Year’s Resolutions I Have No Intention of Keeping -

In Year 2008 -

I resolve -

To stop doing my naked man antler dance for my son to make him laugh.

I love how he giggles at the goofiness of it, but if someone other than my son were to actually see me doing the naked man antler dance, it might be kinda hard to explain.*

I resolve -

To stop fondling the Nintendo Wii inappropriately whenever I just “happened” to be “passing through” a Best Buy.

I resolve -

To stop eating apple pie a la mode while watching CNN and chortling, to no one in particular, “Wolf Blitzer? I fucked him!”

I have to stop that, because Ford Fairlane references are far too obscure for most civilians to comprehend.

I resolve -

To stop with the Poker After Dark benders.

I have about 20 hours worth saved up on the dvr, I save it and take a whole weekend, me and a few bags of chips and salsa, watch ‘em all right in a row, just gleeful in anticipation of a Phil Helmuth meltdown. Because you know it will happen. And you’re glad when it does.

Yeah, I need to stop doing that.

I resolve -

To stop changing my son’s diapers with my mouth open.

Do I really need to explain why?**

I resolve -

To stop fondling the new Macbook Pro inappropriately whenever I just “happened” to be “passing through” the, uh, Apple Store at 57th and Fifth Avenue, open 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

I resolve -

To stop sipping Apple Zinger tea on Sunday morn while watching Face The Nation and chortling, to no one in particular, “I’ve heard cats fuck with more harmony.”

I have to stop that, because Ford Fairlane references are far too obscure for most civilians to comprehend.

I resolve -

To stay away from real estate porn on the internet, it’s one thing to fantasize upon occasion, I mean, I am a man for crying out loud, but it’s getting out of hand and the odds that I would someday pay 15,000 dollars a month for a 3 bedroom luxury apartment on the Upper West Side are about the same as me having a threesome with Jenna Jamison and Angelina Jolie.

Yeah, I really need to stop doing that.

I resolve -

To stop harassing smokers while walking down the street with my son in his stroller.

Seriously, I’m making life hard for the poor, embattled cigarette smokers and I could even likely end up in jail by giving one of them a mouth full of bloody chicklets, seriously. I’ve become a beast, and I should be ashamed.

Just the other day, a random smoker standing in some doorway flicked a used and lit butt out, intending for it to land on the sidewalk (where we all KNOW cigarette butts belong) and it almost landed right on my son’s head.

And I admit, when all I got was a quick and gruff “sorry” in return from the puff and runner, I admit that I lost my temper a bit, and I was a bit hard on the poor smoker who obviously feels badgered and discriminated against right about now - I should have more compassion for the man or woman who wants to engage in behavior that gives my son cancer and, as a bonus, sometimes even sets children on fire.

I should be nicer to the poor smokers. Some of them are parents, too.

In fact, just two days ago I ran into a whole family of them just stepping out of Micky-Dee’s. Pop had two kids, grade-school age at least, hanging on him and making it hard for him to light his Camel (the pack with the cartoon Camel, means they’re good for kids!) and his wife had a toddler in one hand and a cigarette in the other, so obviously she couldn’t help.

But she was considerate, she blew her smoke away from her toddler’s face. That was nice of her.

So yeah, I’ve gotta stop being so “hard” on smokers.***

I resolve -

To stop touching myself inappropriately whenever I “happen” upon Rachel Ray while “channel-surfing”. Right when she’s about to taste something. I’m a parent now, my son is in the next room . . . Is that a quiche? Oh my.

I resolve -

To stop gorging myself on sour Granny Smith Apples while watching Fox News and chortling, to no one in particular, that the viewing experience was “like masturbating with a cheese grater: slightly amusing, but mostly painful.”

I have to stop that, because Ford Fairlane references are far too obscure for most civilians to comprehend.

I resolve -

To stay away from Flame Wars, Holy Wars and Pie Fights on the internet.

I lost untold hours of my life in online arguments over subjects such as the following: Bush worst President Ever, freedom of religion, the existence of God, writer’s strike, plays as viable entertainment, sequencing versus three act structure, the surge failed you fuckers it failed, video games, comic books, whether or not Chuck Liddell’s career is over, Bush is a terrible President, new play development sucks, just how big a prick Matt Hughes is no matter how many UFC titles he may have, that Studio 60 On Sunset Strip was better than people thought it was, McKee doesn’t know dick, Bush is a terrible terrible President, Pushing Daisies ain’t as good as people think it is (plus it’s a rip-off of Amelie), Mac versus PC, the use of “we see” for action descriptions in screenwriting, Spider Man 3 blows chunks, all trolls should be arrested, Republicans and Conservatives hate America and it’s useless to make peace with them because they only want to destroy the constitution and torture those liberals and progressives who disagree with them . . . those subjects and many, many more (feel free to elaborate).

It’s a real problem. I’ve even started Fisking in my sleep.

Yeah, I really, really need to stop doing that.

Which reminds me . . .

I resolve -

To stop shouting “Neo-Con Nazi Cum-slut!” every time Ann Coulter appears on television. Because it’s very insulting. It’s an insult to cum-sluts around the world.

It’s even slightly unfair to Nazis.****

Which brings to mind . . .

I resolve -

To stop getting buzzed on Hard Apple cider while watching a Presidential Press Conference and chortling, to no one in particular, “Here’s to you, Georgie. Sucking my dick!”

I have to stop that, because Ford Fairlane references are far too obscure for most civilians to comprehend.

Thus endeth our resolutions, 2008.

Happy New Year, dojo-monkeys, and may all your wishes and dreams be fulfilled.

*The antler dance is a Mr. Mike reference, the naked-man aspect is my own twist. You should hear Kai laugh, I imagine I look more than a little bit silly. And no, I won’t do it for anyone else, so don’t ask, heh-heh.

**I actually intend to really try to keep this resolution.

I never realized, before becoming a father, that I don’t close my mouth when I concentrate, and with a boy baby, one with really good aim, this can lead to a somewhat hazardous result during a diaper change.

I know urine is sterile, but still . . .

***This actually happened, some smoker flicked a lit butt that almost landed on my baby. And was none too sincere with the apology. I’m still steaming.

I actually saw this Mickey-Dee’s family, for real. Only there was five kids and both parents were smoking like chimneys. Like, the kid in your hands ISN’T breathing that shit in? Listen jackholes, even FRANCE just banned smoking, so what does that tell ya? Even the French get that smoking around non-smokers is very uncool and tres’ dangerous for youngsters!

****Godwin’s law down to one name. Coulter.

9 Responses to “ New Year’s Resolutions I Have No Intention of Keeping - 2008”

  1. Travis Bedard Says:

    If Sorkin had taken another year off from WW and THEN leapt in with a more clear thesis S60 would have been brilliant. But he still wanted to be doing WW and never came up with a goal for the show. Bastard.

    Happy new year.

  2. r paul hamilton Says:

    first and formost, a most audaciaous and hopeful happy new years to you and tomoko and kai!
    i have almost killed a chinese delivery man riding down a windswept rainy sidewalk on his bicycle as he bumps and almost kills my then 7 or 8 year old daughter.
    fathers defending their children has no boundary and is governed by no law. it JUST IS! please read THE ROAD by cormac mccarthy. best defense for fatherhood i have read of late!
    r pauley
    the first and only josh james santa!!!!!

  3. Stacy Says:

    Welcome back, brother.
    Loved the ford fairlane references…..now I’m gonna have to dig out my old VHS.

    ‘Then Johnny says, nice try…and pulls out a straw.’

  4. Joshua James Says:

    I threw in the Ford Fairlane jokes just for you, brother - I knew you’d dig ‘em, you ain’t like most civilians!

  5. Mystery Man Says:

    Great post. I love Ford Fairlane! Last week, at the airport, I saw two security guards, and I was like, “What are your names? Neil and Bob, or is that, like… what you DO?”

    I have to stop that, because Ford Fairlane references are far too obscure for most civilians to comprehend.



  6. Moviequill Says:

    Great resolutions… I vow to not eat healthy because if I keep eating apples, oranges, pears and bananas I’m going to shit out a hell of a fruit salad (sort of Ford Fairlane, once removed reference)

  7. Josh Olson Says:


    I’ve been quoting “Clint Eastwood? I fucked him” for years. Drives my best friend crazy, cos he wrote the fucking thing….

    The reference gave me a smile on a cold, wet morning I have to go out in…

    As for the MacBook Pro - RESIST. It’s not new. It’s just a tweaked version of the old one. Rumor mill has a new one coming soon, and on the off chance you’re getting close to breaking - DON’T. I hear this one will have a touch screen. And it will give head.

  8. Joshua James Says:

    Touch screen?

    OMG. You’re killing me, killing me!

  9. Joshua James Says:

    Oh, and Ford Fairline is a classic cult film favorite amongst my friends. So we would look up to your friend as a cult-god, heh-heh.

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