The Taste - A Short Play
Below a very short play for your enjoyment.
THE TASTE
This was first performed at the now dearly departed theatre space SURF REALITY, and later produced by The Defiant Ones.
This play is a short sketch I wrote for some specific actors and is, ah, fairly rife with adult language … in fact, one might even say it’s teeming with it. Lot’s o’ bad words in a couple short minutes, actually.
So consider yourself warned that it is NSFW, cool? If that kinda thing doesn’t turn ya off, I hope you dig it. Even if it does, I still hope you dig it.
Play after the jump …
The Taste
A ten-minute play
By
Joshua James
Jon stands at busstop, with a briefcase and a newspaper.
Tami walks up, carrying a suitcase. She drops it angrily and crosses her arms.
Her cell phone rings. She answers it.
Tami
What? What do you want? Stop calling me.
She hangs up. It rings again. She answers.
Tami
What? I said stop calling me.
She hangs up. It rings again and she answers.
Tami
What? Can I ask you something? Let me ask you something, shut up, I’m asking you something. Are you ready? Okay, here it is. What part of stop calling me did you NOT understand? What? No, I am not coming back, and yes, I do mean it. I’m GONE, baby, I’M HISTORY! Well maybe you should have thought about that before you stuck your tongue up the crack of that girl’s ass! Now stop fucking calling me!
She hangs up. She looks at Jon, who is staring at her.
Tami
Can I HELP you with something?
Jon shakes his head politely and goes back to his paper. Tami’s phone rings again and she answers.
Tami
What?! Fuck off ASSHOLE!
She hangs up and stands there, steaming mad.
It rings again and she answers it.
Tami
STOP CALLING ME YOU LYING CHEATING SHIT-EATING MOTHER-FUCKING PEDOPHILE PRICK! ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE!
She hangs up.
Tami
That should take care of him for awhile.
Jon
May I suggest …
Tami
What?
Jon
Could I possibly make a suggestion?
Tami
About what?
Jon
Perhaps, if you don’t wish to speak to him, it might be best if you TURNED your phone off.
Tami
Well, PERHAPS it ain’t none of your God-damned business, now is it?
Jon
If I have to stand here and listen to it, than I would say that it is.
Brief pause.
Tami
I can’t turn my phone off, I’m waiting for my mother to call me back.
Jon
Well then. I guess that’s there’s nothing we can do.
Tami’s phone rings.
Tami
Jesus Christ. I’m sorry. Really.
She answers.
Tami
Would you stop FUCKING calling me, it is SO over, it is dead and fucking buried. Stop calling me you worthless piece of beetle shit!
She hangs up.
Jon
Beetle-shit?
Tami
I’m running out of nasty shit to call him.
Tami’s phone rings.
Tami
God-DAMN IT. Wait, I know what to do.
She rummages in her purse and comes out with a whistle.
Tami
He gave this to me, just in case anybody tried to bother me.
She answers the phone.
Tami
Hi Honey.
She then blows the whistle into the phone as loud as she can and then hangs up.
Tami
There. It should be about an hour before he gets his hearing back. I’m sorry for all the fuss, really. I’m sorry I was rude earlier.
Jon
Don’t worry about it. You want me to flag a taxi for you?
Tami
I have a car service coming to pick me up. Unless you need one?
Jon
No, I’m waiting for the bus, I usually take the bus home from work.
Tami
You work around here?
Jon
Yeah.
Tami
What do you do, you’re not a goddamned actor, are you?
Jon
Uh, no. I work at Digi-Corp, I’m a systems analyst. Computers.
Tami
Thank God you’re not a fucking actor, I swear if I ever talk to another actor ever again in my life, I’m going to kill myself.
Brief pause.
Jon
So you got a place to stay, you’re going to stay with your mother?
Tami
What? Oh no. I’m going to my condo on the west side. My mother, well, I had promised her when we got married that if anything happened between us that I would let her handle the divorce. She’s an attorney and she hated his ass from day one.
Jon
So you’re married, then.
Tami
Not for much fucking longer. You married?
Jon
I’m afraid not.
Tami
You’re lucky. Thank God for Mom, she insisted on a pre-nup and thank Christ for that. And I even argued with her about it for weeks, I said, we’re in love, Ma, we ain’t gonna divorce, this is some forever shit. She said if we don’t divorce then it shouldn’t be a problem, just make him sign the papers and shut up about it. And he PUT it off for weeks, like he was hoping we’d forget about it. Not my mother, no sir. She was on the phone every fucking day, after his ass. Fuck! Thank you Mama! See, I got all the money, I got a job and a career, I take care of business, he don’t have shit and now that he’s fucked this up, he ain’t getting a God-damned dime out of me. Penniless free-loading Leech! That’s a good one, I gotta remember that one if he calls again. God, why did I ever get mixed up with an actor, fucking actors! Get this, I was in Miami, I was supposed to get back tomorrow, but we closed the deal a day early and so I took the morning flight to come home and surprise my baby, right? I didn’t know anything funny was going on, shit, I trusted his ass up until about twenty minutes ago. So I get home, complete with presents for him, I’m smelling sweet and looking good, I walk in the door of MY house, go into MY bedroom, and there he is right there, on MY bed, naked as a jaybird, sticking his tongue up the ass of a girl that couldn’t be more than sixteen, seventeen years old! I catch him doing this, and do you know what he has the BALLS to try and tell me?
Jon
What?
Tami
He tries to tell me that the two of them are REHEARSING some scene from a play!
Jon
Really?
Tami
No shit. Get the fuck out of here, what kind of play is it where you have to shove your tongue up somebody’s ass? Is it an audition for Last Tango In Paris, the musical? He didn’t have an answer for that, the fuck.
Jon
What’d you do then?
Tami
What else? I yelled, I screamed, I threw shit, lamps, chairs, anything I could get my hands on I threw at the both of them. Let me tell you something, there was some furniture moving in that house. Fuck! I can’t fucking believe this has happened to me!
Her phone rings again. She answers it.
Tami
I’m not believing you got the balls to call me after I told you NOT to, you fucking freeloading …
Jon
Leech.
Tami
Leech. Leech! You mother-fucking, cock-sucking …
Jon
Ass-licker, call him an ass-licker.
Tami
Ass-licking child-molesting piss-poor George Clooney wanna-be with no talent, no brains and no fucking DECENCY OR RESPECT FOR THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE! ASS-LICKER ASS-LICKER ASS-LICKER!!!
She hangs up.
Tami
Thank you.
Jon
You’re welcome.
Brief pause. Tami puts her hand over her face. Her shoulders start to shake.
Jon
Hey. Hey, are you going to be all right?
Tami
It’s just … I didn’t see this coming, you know? Up until twenty minutes ago I thought I had everything pretty well figured out. I got a great job, I got money, family, couple condos and a house, I had a husband I loved and who I thought loved me, we were planning to have a family and … in the space of a couple minutes it all fell apart. Three years with that man, a man I thought I knew pretty well, and it turns out I didn’t know the first fucking thing.
Jon
I’m sorry.
Tami
I had everything mapped out, retire at thirty-five, manage my portfolio and play house, have three kids, maybe four, they all go to private schools, he gets a supporting role on a sitcom or some simple shit like that, finally makes some of his own money, we get to go to all the award shows, pictures taken of us hand in hand, both of us and our house on the cover of Good Housekeeping, kids go to college, we travel the world, our kids have lots of kids and then the next thing you know, both of us are ninety years old, still holding hands, still making hot love and so comfortable with each other we never have to say anything. I had it all mapped out, I knew everything that was going to be anything in my life, and in just a couple of minutes, just like that …
Tami snaps her fingers.
Tami
Just like that, and now I don’t have any idea what’s going to happen to me.
Brief pause. Jon hands Tami a handkerchief.
Jon
My grandmother, she was a great lady, lived through three wars, two husbands, in four different countries, survived poverty, wealth, health, cancer then health again, then cancer again. She told me, last time she had to go into the hospital, I was upset, and she told me, that’s the thing about life, it can change at the drop of a hat, just like that, but that’s also what gives it spice. The fact that you don’t have any idea what’s going to happen to you is what adds a taste to life. That’s what she said. The unexpected is the taste of life. I’ll always remember that she said that.
Brief pause. Tami wipes her eyes.
Tami
There’s my car.
Tami’s phone rings.
Tami
And there’s my ass-licking soon-to-be ex-husband. You know what? I’m turning this fucking phone off. I can call Mama tomorrow. So listen.
Jon
What?
Tami
Would you like to have dinner with me?
Brief pause.
Jon
Sure.
Tami reaches to pick up her suitcase, but Jon gets to it first, picking it up.
They smile at each other, then walk off to the car.
The end.