Daily Dojo

A Man, A Woman and A Cat

This is part II of my trilogy of ten minute plays called LOVE, LUST AND LIFE, which has been performed all around the country. Part I A Boy, A Girl And A Dog was posted yesterday and tomorrow the final … hope you dig it.

A Man, A Woman and A Cat

Spotlight comes up upon the WOMAN.

WOMAN: For a long time I didn’t do much of anything except stay at home, watch TV, and pet my cat.

Sound of CAT purring.

WOMAN: I love my cat, and my cat loves me.

Purring gets louder.

WOMAN: Katherine is her name, and she has been my best friend for the past two years. She likes to play games with me, like hiding my socks under the bed, and jumping at my feet when I’m not looking. When I’m typing at my computer, she likes to jump up and stick her face right in there to see what I’m doing.

KATHERINE meows.

WOMAN: And she talks to me, too. If I’m in a really bad mood and I’m pounding around the apartment and feeling sorry for myself, she’ll look at me and go …

KATHERINE meows again.

WOMAN: As if to say “Hey, lighten up, it can’t be that bad.” And she’s right. So life has been fine for me and my little kitty, Katherine. Then, my life changed. Then I ran into him.

Spotlight comes up on the MAN. They never acknowledge each other.

MAN: She ran right into me.

WOMAN: Literally.

MAN: I was backing my Chrysler out of my parking place at the office and she plowed right into me.

WOMAN: I was so embarrassed. I didn’t have any insurance.

MAN: She dented the shit out of my fender. But she looked so woebegone I couldn’t help but laugh. She looked pretty hot too. I told her to forget about it.

WOMAN: He seemed very understanding.

MAN: What the hell, it’s only money. And she was pretty.

WOMAN: But then I figured him out.

MAN: I asked her to have dinner with me.

WOMAN: I suppose he thought I should sleep with him just because I smashed his car.

MAN: I assured her it was nothing like that. Although the thought did cross my mind.

WOMAN: I took his number and told him I’d think about it.

MAN: And think about it she did.

WOMAN: In the end, I thought, “why not?” It’s been two years since I broke up with that ape of a boyfriend I had before. They can’t all be animals. Maybe he was different. He wore a tie, he looked liked he bathed regularly and he used words with more than three syllables. All plusses in his favor. I decided to take a chance. So I called him.

MAN: Finally.

WOMAN: And I said, let’s go out.

MAN: It’d been three fucking weeks, I almost forgot who she was.

WOMAN: The next thing you know, I had a date.

MAN: So we went out for dinner. I love to eat out, but I hate first dates.

WOMAN: It was a lovely restaurant, and so expensive.

MAN: It’s always a question of, what do we talk about?

WOMAN: He insisted on paying.

MAN: I mean I really suck at small talk.

WOMAN: I kept wondering, does he think I have to sleep with him now, since he paid for dinner?

MAN: So I’m fumbling around, trying not to talk with my mouth full and look like a moron

WOMAN: If he thought that, he had another thing coming.

MAN: I went through the usual routine, you know, what do ya do, where are you from and so on.

WOMAN: But I kept worrying about it. So I thought I should just tell him straight out.

MAN: I thought I was doin’ pretty well, when all of a sudden …

WOMAN: So I said … No SEX!

MAN: BANG! I was shot right out of the saddle.

WOMAN: I just wanted to be clear.

MAN: As if I didn’t suspect it already, I mean, she’d ordered CRAB, for crying out loud!

WOMAN: It’s just that I value myself as a person. I didn’t want to be deluded or deceived by physical desire. I wanted purity.

MAN: My older brother, who taught me everything I know, said if you wanna get any dick action with a woman, then there are three things you should never talk about on a first date. Politics, religion and … SEX. But she brought it up. I didn’t know what to do.

WOMAN: I considered myself a woman of principle.

MAN: I panicked.

WOMAN: He seemed to understand.

MAN: I just started agreeing with everything she said.

WOMAN: In fact, he was really sweet about the whole thing.

MAN: I probably should’ve dumped her and forgot about her, but you know, she was really cute.

WOMAN: I just believe that you should be in love to make love to somebody.

MAN: Cute, but with crazy ideas.

WOMAN: I thought he would be disappointed and not call me again, but he did.

MAN: Hell, I wasn’t seeing anyone else at the time. Why not?

WOMAN: So we went out again.

MAN: And again.

WOMAN: And again. Went out and talked and laughed and shared stories together and it was wonderful.

MAN: It was kinda fun.

WOMAN: Best of all, there was no sex flapping around to confuse everything.

MAN: Fun, but the sexual tension in the air was so thick I was choking on it.

WOMAN: I really started to care about him, and I think he cared about me.

MAN: The anticipation was making me cross-eyed. I woulda done anything to get in her pants.

WOMAN: And I thought, maybe this is it, maybe this is love.

MAN: If I didn’t find some sort of release soon I was gonna explode.

WOMAN: So one night when we were having a romantic dinner by candlelight at my place, I decided to ask him directly how he felt.

MAN: Finally it looked like she was gonna come across.

WOMAN: Then there was a slight problem.

KATHERINE the cat snarls and hisses.

MAN: That fucking cat.

WOMAN: Katherine Kitty didn’t like the new man in my life. And he didn’t like her.

MAN: The little fucker snagged my good pair of slacks.

WOMAN: So it came down to a choice.

MAN: The cat or me.

WOMAN: What was I going do? The two I cared about most and they didn’t like each other.

MAN: I wasn’t gonna get anywhere with that little monster distracting her all the time.

WOMAN: So we came to a compromise. Whenever he came over I would lock Katherine Kitty in the closet.

Kitty wails.

WOMAN: Oh, and she hated it. But I knew that she would understand that could be love, true love that happens maybe once in a lifetime.

MAN: Finally the little beast was gone and I had room to maneuver.

WOMAN: So finally we got it all worked out and I told him how I felt and I asked him, point blank, if he loved me, and he said …

MAN: I said yes.

WOMAN: He said yes! I was so happy! Finally a man who felt with his heart and not his sex organ. A man who loved me!

MAN: Well I did. At the time.

WOMAN: So we made love and it was wonderful. It was so wonderful to be loved again.

MAN: Finally I got her into bed.

WOMAN: It was so wonderful to have a lover again.

MAN: So we did it, and at the time I’m thinking, all this waiting, all that time, just for this?

WOMAN: Best of all, we were completely honest and clear with each other.

MAN: I mean, it was all right, but it wasn’t the Fourth of July.

WOMAN: We took steps so we wouldn’t hurt each other.

MAN: And after awhile, listening to her chirp on and on, it started to get kinda dull.

WOMAN: It was just a matter of time till he got me a ring and we set the date.

MAN: And that cat, it always looked at me like I was a piece of shit.

KATHERINE hisses.

WOMAN: In fact, I decided to talk to him about it that very night.

MAN: All in all, I was feeling kinda crowded. So I got out.

WOMAN: But when I got home from work, he wasn’t there.

MAN: But hey, I’m no barbarian, I left her a letter.

WOMAN: There was a note taped to the refrigerator.

MAN: And on my way out, I gave that fucking cat a swift kick in the ass.

KATHERINE wails in anger and pain.

WOMAN: It said he couldn’t do this any longer.

MAN: And I was gone.

WOMAN: And he was gone.

Spotlight on MAN goes out.

WOMAN: Suicide came to mind, but it seemed like too much work. I just sat around, watching TV, and wondering just where did I go wrong? Was I such a repulsive person? Was I stupid, naive? What did I miss about this whole thing?

KATHERINE the cat starts purring.

WOMAN: Then I remembered that I was loved. And I resolved that in the future, I was going to listen closer to the one I trusted and loved the most.

Purring gets louder and spotlight fades.

End of Play

FOOTNOTES, as with yesterday, this play has had many performances with a lot of great actors … my favorite would have to be the same as noted yesterday, downtown, and had Michele Ammon as Woman and Jim McCauley as man (Abigal Lopez did the cat, and Jim did Skippy the dog for their piece). It was a lot of fun.

More recently it was staged by Invisible City at had Micheal Elian as Man and Courtney Jones as Woman, and that was also pretty awesome. Tune in tomorrow for the last section, Grandma, Grandpa and the Car.

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