Daily Dojo

15 New Year’s Resolutions I Have No Intention Of Keeping

15 New Year’s Resolutions I Have No Intention Of Keeping.

For The Year 2006 –

I resolve –
Not to throw lunchmeat at the television whenever Wolf Blitzer is speaking.

I resolve –
Not to touch myself inappropriately while on hold for DSL tech support.

I resolve –
Not to get stoned and giggle uncontrollably while watching “Better Off Dead” on VHS every Thursday night.

I resolve –
Not to whistle “Hail To The Chief” while urinating.

I resolve –
Not to image-google the names of my ex-girlfriends with the slim hope of stumbling across naked pictures of them on the internet.

I resolve –
Not to obsessively measure the progress my forehead makes in its quest to reach the back of my head.

I resolve –
Not to touch myself inappropriately while watching Oprah.

I resolve –
Not to get stoned and sob uncontrollably while watching “Say Anything” on DVD every Friday night.

I resolve –
Not to emit a high-pitched feminine shriek of pain whenever the words “Hilton” and “Paris” are joined together retrospectively in a sentence.

I resolve –
Not to fondle the squash obscenely at the organic open market every Sunday.

I resolve –
Not to fall to the floor in a fake epileptic seizure whenever someone solemnly invokes the words “Nine-Eleven.”

I resolve –
Not to throw meatballs at my television during this year’s State of the Union address.

I resolve –
Not to touch myself inappropriately while listening to “All Things Considered” on NPR.

I resolve –
Not to get stoned and high-dial all of my ex-girlfriends uncontrollably while watching “High Fidelity” on DVD every Saturday night.

I resolve –
Not to answer in full, honest and raw detail whenever anyone asks me, “And how are you today?”

2 Responses to “ 15 New Year’s Resolutions I Have No Intention Of Keeping”

  1. nick Says:

    Ahh, high-dialing. Good times.

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